Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 19:15:55 PST
From: [m m calees] at [csr.UVic.CA] (Michael McAleese)
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Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings Issue 9
Parte the Seconde
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Pledge-Brother Saramud,
Egad Val-Harek here. Glad to see you've also done well for yourself,
I've gained fame and a tower here in Sensak. The problem at hand is that
I've fallen into the company of a party of "adventurers" who are more like
poster-children for the tactically-challenged. There is no real unity, nor
is there a strong leader to keep them from accidentally kill themselves.
Naturally, I'd prefer not to assume the mantle of leadership because we
both know that it's decorated with concentric circles over the heart. On
the other hand, if I walk away, they're going to die, and I don't want that
because it would sully my reputation. Sure, I could direct their actions
subtly, but that's too much work. Any suggestions?
Egad Val-Harek
Purple Mage of Sensak
Dear Egad,
The mantle of leadership is not quite as hazardous as you might think.
There seems to be this misconception around that one must 'lead by action'
whereas I've always fallen into the 'lead by inaction' school. You must
learn to dig in your heels and refuse to be moved until the party has a
coherent plan of action. Holding your breath and stamping your feet is
often an effective medium to communicate your wishes to the fighters in the
party. A good leader is one who knows when to say "NO! NONONONONONO!!!"
As the party leader it might fall upon the wizard to say,
"We are NOT going to attack those fifty trolls, and that's FINAL!"
Another benefit of assuming the mantle of leadership in the party is that
you get to do the talking in sticky situations. There's nothing worse than
having the party meat-cleaver explaining an awkward circumstance to some
angry guardsmen who have the city's mobile ballista cranked up and pointed
at your poor wizardly midsection and the best he can come up with is,
"Yup. We killed the prince and his whole retinue alrighty! Yuck
yuck! Wouldn't have worked if the ol' wiz over there hadn't slept 'em all
first though."
In such situations I advise you to have a special secret code set up
amongst the party to convey your commands. In the situation above, my
usual code was a volly of magic missiles into the paladin's cranium to
express my displeasure.
---
Hi Sourmud, ol' chap!
How yer doing? Getting a li'l weak in the knees, thick around the
middle and sometimes forgetting your false teeth in the morning, I bet -
"It'f wery difficult caftin a fireball dif way ...". Remember me? It's
ol' Richard Charmyon III (Rich & Charming!) from the good ol' days at the
academy. Still thinking of that gorgeous witch we both had our eyes (and
crystal balls) set on? Well, that's life buddy - my looks bet your looks
even then.
I could talk hours 'bout the ol' times but that's not the reason I'm
writing. Ye see, I just found this cute "advisory column" of your's in the
Wizard's Meekly or whatsisname, and I thought to myself: "Sourmud, the ol'
chappy isn't doing the worst job on this, but a REAL Magician like yourself
could give some class to that advisory business." So how 'bout you just
move over and let some younger blood (3 months, two days and 7 hours - and
showing it!) handle the job. If you need something to do to fight of
senility, you could maybe help with some of the simpler paperwork.
I'd really like to talk this all over at someplace during lunchtime,
but I positively HATE searching my food for ground glass and the like. So
just tell me your answer - date of retirement, pension fund details, etc.
- in yer cute li'l column.
On The Way Up
Dear OTWU,
I can't _believe_ you're still alive! I thought you got eaten by
kobolds your first time out. Still as witty and charming as ever I see.
Do you still move your lips when studying your spell book? Folks, perhaps
a bit of history is in order: Back in my early days at the academy I and
a few of my fellow apprentices went out on a bit of a drinking binge
between terms and decided to play a harmless little prank on one of the
local bumpkins. We located the most dull-witted farmhand we could find
(within reasonable walking distance) and convinced him that he had 'the
mark of the magi'. We must have been pretty persuasive because he showed
up at the front door of the college the next day, clean shaven and eager to
become a 'real' wizard. I'll spare you the gruesome details, suffice to
say he is the only person in college history who had to take
'Gesticulations 101' five times! Just when it looked like he was going to
become the first wizard ever to retire without finishing his education a
party came along who was desperate (and poor) enough to pick up the first
facsimile of a wizard they laid eyes on for a kobold-swatting expedition.
That's the last we'd heard from him until now. Given the fact that his
letter was written in crayon and delivered by a kobold I'd say he's a big
wheel in the northern kobold communities, probably sold out his party
for a few copper to become the "Great Wizard of the Kobolds" that we've
heard so little about. Come to think of it, if you want to look powerful
hanging around with kobolds will do it. Sure, the average kobold is
tougher than a beginning wizard, but there's that awesome "Push" spell
ol' Charmyn of the Kobolds is packing. Oooooh, magic.
---
Dear Sauramud,
I now, ye sed dat some madshishan should reed dis letterin firs befoar
I sent id to ye. But de problem is, dey dunno lika me ennee more, cos dey
haf red de anser, ye rote in dat maggasin _Wizars Weekly News_ (My fren,
Slippy just borroud id from on off dem, wile he wos sleepin, and I haf
coppeed de tytel) to my rekvest.
If I haf unnerstoud yer anser rite, dey should treet us fiters nyse,
but nod beecos dey like us, but beecos we ar goud sheelds. I dunno think
dats nyse of ye tellin dem dat, maks us fiters look like dum animannals.
So if ye wanna show, ye can be a onorabble geye too, now pleaze tell ME wot
to do with de madshikwhosers so dat dey really treet me nyse again. And if
ye dount anser me dis tyme again, I will tell al de world bout de thinks ye
did in yer younger dais - ders a dworf I now, hoo rememmers kwite well how
he had to bail ye out 47 yeers ago in de town of Imrimalys, just beecos ye
couldden leef yer hands of de majors dawter.
Innsistin Mussle
Dear Microcephalic Mussle,
I am forced to agree with your admirable and, yes, cretinous
assessment of my answer to your previous letter. You are quite correct
that I instructed the wizards to treat you kindly but I did NOT tell them
that they shouldn't like you. I think that they _should_ like you, and
they should treat you with all the respect that they deem you worthy of. I
wouldn't take their actions or words too personally. Just because they
treat you like you're irrelevant doesn't mean that they don't appreciate
having you up at the front of the party absorbing damage and springing
nasty traps.
I think that all fighters should get more recognition for their noble
cause from the wizards in their party. We should set aside three days out
of the year and declare them "Be-Nice-Within-Reason To Fighters Week". In
my experience some fighters are almost sentient!
---
Dear Sauramud, whose wisdom would be as pearls before the other members of
my party,
I have a slight problem: kind of a mixture of lack of respect and a
nascent addiction. Ever since I began my career as a wizard, I have been
hunting (with increasing desparation) for a cloak of displacement. Now,
even the non-sentient dwarven fighters (a redundancy, I know) are beginning
to understand what it is I am looking for!!!
One problem is, the other party members are constantly making fun of
me, always pretending that they have found one on an opponent, etc. Life
was hell until a little while ago, when the gnomish illusionist left us
(under her own steam, I might add). She was starting to get under my skin,
casting illusions that our opponents weren't where we were hitting them.
The second is that the thief and the clerics understand that this item
would be great: I am afraid that if we ever find one, I may not get it!!!
(I don't think that the dwarves understand how it could help them: they
can't eat, drink, or kill it, so it has no place in their world vision).
Finally, I feel compelled to try on every magical cloak I find: this
has caused me no end of grief! Who was the sicko who originally thought up
cloaks of poisonous?!?! They've cost me two lives already; but, if I pass
up any magical cloak, I may lose my chance at a the one I want! To make
matters worse, if what I try on is not a cloak of displacement, the dwarves
just laugh as they splatter me over the hall when they "test" the one I'm
wearing.
What can I do? I haven't ever found a cloak of displacement for sale,
I am getting sick and tired of getting hit by the dwarves, and I can't
master the manufacture of a cloak yet ...
Desparately seeking cloaks, Presteria.
Dear DSC,
Cloaks are fine to a point, but cloaks of displacement are over-rated
and hardly worth risking your life for. You can never take off a cloak of
displacement once you put it on or you will never find it again. I had one
once but the damn thing just kept getting lost. Every time I took it off
(to swim, bathe, etc.) and went to retrieve it afterward it never seemed to
be quite where I left it! It should have been called a 'Cloak of
Misplacement' for the number of times it went missing. Even if it's in
plain sight, just try and grab it quick if you have to dress in a hurry -
whoops! 'Chop chop' go the orcish blades into your unprotected wizardly
flesh as you're flailing around trying to determine where _exactly_ that
blasted robe is! Any wizard who is close enough to combat that he has to
rely on the protective properties of a cloak isn't using the fighters in
the party to his best advantage in any event. I refer you to my upcoming
book "The Advantageous Placement of the Party Fighters (or Marching Order,
Fact or Fiction?)"
---
Dear Saramud,
I have recently gained the ability to possibly practice the sort of
spellcraft used to summon demons and devils. But, I need some advice here.
First of all, is it even worth it to try for such magic? Is the thrill of
summoning your very own demon to serve you _really_ worth it? It seems
somewhat suicidal - but the gains might be worth the risk. Surely one so
exalted as yourself would know all about this topic. What can you tell me?
Secondly, there seems to have been some great celestial power play which
erased the terms "demon" and "devil" from spell descriptions in all the
world's spellbooks... Is it even possible anymore to summon one of the
horned guys, or not? I seem to think that there _must_ be some tome out
there that contains the references and spells necessary to bring an evil
being to this plane - but WHERE in the @$&%#*! is it?
Any help would surely be appreciated.
Signed,
Not Long For This World
Dear NLFTW,
Don't be fooled by the omission of the 'D' words from the spell
descriptions, you're summoning the same things with the spells regardless
of what they 'politically correct' name for them is. The names were only
changed because the older descriptions of these - entities - tended to
discourage wizards from casting the spells. I shouldn't think that anybody
would need any discouragement. I have this personal guideline of never
summoning anything with more than 10x my total hit points (not that I can
remember the last time I ever made it to full points - everybody knows that
a simple paper cut will put most wizards at half damage!). If you _really_
insist on summoning something from another plane then I recommend you try
reading the "Necro-you-know-what-icon" by that Abdul fellow. If that
doesn't drive you insane or, at the very least dissuade you from such a
summoning then try reading "101 Recipes for an Ex Wizard" by Orcus. As far
as I'm concerned, the only demons worth summoning are the ones which aren't
worth the risk to summon.
---
Greetings, O Great Saramud,
I am a writer originally from the Orient now trapped in the west
because of the mean tricks of a lesser demon. I must say that I don't mind
it here as much as I used to, since some there are some comforts (such as
Wizard Columns, stupid fighters to boss around, and blond wenches).
However, I am encountering a pretty big problem, which brings me to the
reason for this parchment. After I came, I joined up with a (semi)
respectable adventuring party that seemed allright, after all, it's easy to
get what you want when the majority of the party are fighters. Of late,
these gajin are getting on my nerves. You see I'm a fairly high level Wu
Jen/Ninja, and like to have some time to myself occasionally. Earlier,
when I was assasinating a minor noble or some idiot courier, I coule slip
in and out in a matter of hours without anybody discovering my identity.
Unfortunenly, the whole group seems to be catching onto me. It started
with the stupid little thief. He noticed that our targets started dying
before he got a change to backstab them in the night (it was me, usually),
and got very jealous. Then he went to the cleric who noticed that I was
advancing slowly. Now, it seems that everybody knows (let a cleric in on a
secret and there goes the secret) that something's up with me. For a while
I've been able to put them off with some Oriental mumbo-jumbo, but it's
only going to work for so long. It would be a bother to have to kill them
all in their sleep, but I will do that if they seem to have found me out:
Their deaths before my dishonor. So what should I do?
Arigato,
Yushi Wakazi
Dear Yushi,
"It would be a bother to have to kill them all in their sleep, but I
will do that if they seem to have found me out: Their deaths before my
dishonor." Huh? Afraid you lost me on this one sport. Why would you have
to kill your friends just because they discovered that you are a much
higher lever and that they are only so much doggie poop in your presence?
Where's the "honour" in killing your friends in their sleep? Most wizards
would _kill_ (though it sounds like you are taking this quite literally) to
be in your position of power. On another note, why are you knocking
yourself out and putting yourself at risk to kill your targets before the
rest of the party gets a shot at them? That's just plain senseless and
stupid! Those aren't the actions of a wizard, those are the actions of one
of those cheapo assassins that one can pick up for a few gold piece over on
the wrong side of town. Wise up and listen to the way we do things over
here: the fighters and pseudo-fighters (paladins, rangers, etc) stand up
front between you and all big ugly monsters, the clerics stand behind them
casting healing spells and stepping up to fill any holes in the line
between you and all big ugly monsters, the thieves scurry around trying to
be useful by tossing a few daggers or slitting the throat of a downed
foe until the big ugly monsters are dead and they are needed to clear the
traps and locks away from your treasure, and the occaisional monk flails
about uselessly offering comic relief and the ability to absorb a few shots
that might otherwise have gone in your direction.
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Well that's all for this installment folks. As always, send _your_
questions for Sauramud to [m m caleese] at [csr.uvic.ca.] "Sauramud's Advice
Column" is written by David Braun ([David Braun] at [panam.wimsey.bc.ca])
and Michael McAleese ([m m calees] at [csr.uvic.ca]), A.K.A. "Those Dudes".
Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were:
James Smith <[E--G--S] at [wombat.newcastle.edu.au]>
[a--y] at [ccwf.cc.utexas.edu] (Andrew Hackard)
[m--ha--m] at [mars.cse.fau.edu] (Michael Marcus)
[psikr 01] at [convex.zdv.uni-tuebingen.de] (Peter Kretschmar) [twice!]
[V--N--E] at [sscl.uwo.ca] (Vincent Gray)
[t--l--r] at [prism.gatech.edu] (Thomas Miller)
[s--m] at [compass-da.com] (Jim Shiffer)
The Independents - SUNY Buffalo <[Z T SINDI] at [UBVMS.bitnet]>
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Sneaky end note: Wondering what all the inside references to "the monk"
"the paladin" and (sometimes) "the ranger" are? Check out the "Dingbat
the Monk" stories at potemkin.cs.pdx.edu in /pub/frp/stories/dingbat and
thrill to Sauramud's adventures... such as they are.
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