Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 19:15:01 PST
From: [m m calees] at [csr.UVic.CA] (Michael McAleese)
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Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings Issue 7
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Once again, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ comes the
latest installment of Saruamud the wizard's advice column. But first,
a word or two from Sauramud himself:
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Dear Readers,
Is it just my imagination or are 'modern' wizards becoming altogether
too specialized? Whatever happened to the good old days when a party only
had to take along one spell caster to take care of all their magical needs?
In my day you would never hear a real wizard say,
"Sorry, I don't blast orcs - that's Flegul's specialty." Where will
this specialization end? Will we soon be seeing mages who only cast spells
dealing with marsupials? Are we going to start seeing more of silly
sub/multiclass? This raises the inevitable question; what good is a
fighter/thief/merchant/acrobat/mage? Aside from the neat business card.
Sauramud
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Dear Incredible Master of the Arcane Arts, weilder of mana, Arbiter or
Positive and Negative Matter,
I recently aquired sixth level, and have gotten a Fireball spell. I
also have a Wand of Magic Missiles, Bracers of Defense AC2, and a Ring of
Invisibity. I can cast Charm Person, Sleep, Knock, and other spell as
appropriate. My problem has nothing to do with not being appreciated by my
adventuring companions. Rather, I recieve too much attention. Since I can
open doors better than the thief, and can sneak better, and do more damage
then the rest of the party combined, they have retired and send me out on
adventures for them. Since I am Lawful Good, I can see no way out...please
help.
Signed,
Slave to Success
Dear Slave,
No problem. You've reached the level where you can begin
subcontracting your adventuring work to low level parties who are starved
for adventure. I noticed in my travels that low level parties had wimpier
encounters - I don't know why this is but I think it stems back to some
kind of etherial balance. Contact a party of starving low levels and agree
to let them accompany you. Offer them whatever the current minimum wage is
for this kind of thing, plus a reasonable amount of treasure and experience
from the deal. All they have to do for their end of the bargain is make
sure they are not too rough with the litter they carry you around in and
that they don't disturb you for any but the direst of emergencies.
Warning! Do not let on that you are only sixth level! A few veiled
threats about disintegration and such can keep them in line if they think
you are a card-carrying master mage, but if they realize that you are only
a few levels above them some fighter is going to try the old "stab him
before he can mumble off a spell" trick.
---
Dear Sauramud,
This is my first time writing to an advice column, and I wouldn't
normally but I have a problem and no-one here seems able to help. You see,
I am just about to reach fifth level, after a long and hard journey. I
have been helpful and supportive of my party at every opportunity. I even
let them sell a Staff of Magi to get the cash needed to ressurect our
Fighter. But now that I am almost fifth level, they have started plotting
against me. I am always hearing "jokes" about killing me before I get a
fireball or lightning bolt, and comments about Power Corrupting. This
didn't happen when the fighter got 3/2 attacks, or when the Thief got x3
backstab, or when the priest started tossing cause serious wounds.
Unfourtunately, I don`t have access to the usual fix, Charm Person, and the
party is to high in level for a Sleep spell. Please help...
Signed,
Paranoid with Reason
Dear Paranoid,
This is a common complaint from travelling wizards who have to rub
elbows with the ignorant rabble we call fighters. The problem is that at
lower levels the wizard has to hide behind them and depends upon them for
protection while he fires off his magic missiles and sleep spells. When
the wizard hits fifth level and begins to ROAST the enemies with a fireball
before the fighter can unsheath that rusty poker he likes to wave about in
combat it gives him an inferiority complex and upsets his delusions of
dominion within the party. Since most fighters know that a wizard needs
ridiculous amounts of experience to go up in levels but not the exact
total, a wizard will generally lie about his experience total until he
actually casts his first fireball. In your case you've made the mistake of
letting them know how close you have gotten and drastic measures are called
for. In this case I would suggest Emergency Maneuver #15-B "Feign
Alignment Change". Since even a dough-headed thief knows that you get
dropped a level for changing alignment you will hear a quick end to the
threats and an outpouring of insincere sympathy. Just act a little more
chaotic/lawful/good/evil/etc than you usually do until you get that last
bit of experience that pops you over the top.
---
Dear Sauramud,
We hate to inform you, but we have clearly proved that magic is
impossible. Therefore you and all the other charlatan mages will have to
stop casting spells this instant. In addition, you must cease to use your
magic items as anything else than family heirlooms. Since you have all
been neglecting your SCIENCE classes in pursuit of this tomfoolery, we
command you to retake Mz. Orcface's 5th grade biology class beginning
immediately or you will be given dentention for the rest of your life.
Have a nice day!
(IN)Sincerely,
* All the out-of-work actors who
only know how to play mad scientists
in Grade B movies and can't say
"hocus-pocus".
* Duh Fightas Gild
* Your mother-in-law to be
* Mz. Orcface
P.S. E = m * c^3
Dear Soon-to-be-Frogs,
Alas, you have found us out! It's true, we wizards are all charlatans
and liars. We've managed to keep up the illusion of working magic through
a combination of mirrors and hypnotic drugs in the water. I, and a few
buddies of mine higher up in the wizard's guild, would like to meet with
you and discuss how you uncovered this little sham of ours. Perhaps we
could agree upon a suitable meeting place for this discussion - say fifty
or so miles from any populated area in a spot cleared of inflammable
materials. Some of the guys would like to bring along a few of their, uh,
'family heirlooms' to liven things up at the meeting. We really _really_
look forward to meeting the lot of you. Make sure that _all_ of you come
now.
---
Dear Sauramud;
I have this problem. Me and all the other Gods/Godesses (yes, the
movement has reached here as well) were wondering what to do with this Loki
scumbag. You see, according to some foolish legends, he will lead an army
of giants, monsters and other bad dudes to come and wipe us out and have my
kid exterminated by this really humungeous snake. Well, that really pisses
us off.
RRRRUUUMMMBBBLLLLEEE RRRUUUMMMBBBLLLLEEEE
ZOT!!!!! *** *** *** * * * *
* * * * * * ** ** * *
* * * * * * * * * * *
*** * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * *
*** *** *** * * * *
as you can see. Besides that, he's a real pain in the ass as well. Any
suggestions as to what to do with this boy?
With no respect at all,
Odin, Father of the Gods.
Dear Odin,
I used to hang around with a monk who got like that once in awhile but
a poke to the eye and a slap on the side of the head usually cured him. In
the case of this Loki character there is a bit of a difference because he
is a deity. It sounds to me like he had a bad upbringing, and since I see
from your signature that you are the 'Father of the Gods' then this puts
the blame squarely on YOUR shoulders. Geez, he's your OWN KID and you
can't handle him? What am I, a family councillor? You have to ask
yourself what the legendary paladin John Wayne would have done in this
situation if his kid was acting badly? He would have slapped the little
brat around and packed him off to military college to teach him some
character. I tell ya! What's this world coming to? In my day the deities
never asked for advice - just money! If you had five thousand gold you
could get ANYONE raised from the dead. None of this wimpy, preachy stuff
they have today! I have to admit though, that our party's temple raising
the anti-paladin really hurt. Especially since it was our paladin that
snuffed him.
----
Dear Sauramud,
Out of common courtesy, I thought I should give you some warning. We
know you are holed up at I********, and have the orcs with you. We also
know you have the One Ring. But I tell you now, as I am the last of the
Rangers, we have your number. Know that you can no longer hide from us.
We are coming to show you what is means to be bad. You feeble disguise
will no longer protect you.
Signed
Strider
Dear Sauramud,
Despite your attempt at respectability in doing this column, the I-am-
smarter-than-you repartee, and the name change, we have discovered your
true identity. No longer will you fool the world while you work your evil.
Isengard will not protect you from us, nor will you rag-tag band of orcs.
No, we know you have the Ring, and we are coming to take it from you. No
mere name change can decieve us. Prepare, if you can.
Signed,
Aragon
Dear Aragon/Strider/Etc
Ever since I passed through Middle Earth awhile back I have begun
getting letters like these ones almost weekly in my mail. People, please
check your name, address and IQ before you post these letters. I'm not the
guy you're looking for! Really! It wasn't even my fault that I was in
Middle Earth at all! It was the paladin who misread the map (there's quite
a story behind that which I will publish if demand warrants - and if I can
ever work out the fee structure with the publishers). That hobbit village
incident was an accident. Every adventurer wipes out a town now and again
in his travels. As for this 'One Ring' you keep writing about; that's on
permanent loan (sort of) from the paladin and I'm sure he'll eventually
demand it back if he ever remembers what he did with it. And what's this
'last of the Rangers' bit? Almost every letter I get from M.E. comes from
some yo-yo claiming to be last/second to last/among the last of the
rangers. C'mon, ranger's are a dime-a-dozen. We went through a few of
them in my party before we got one who didn't get eaten, crushed or roasted
first week.
----
Dear Sauramud,
I've got a little problem with my familiar. Well, maybe it's not such
a LITTLE problem. I must have pissed off a major deity or something
because when I cast my Find Familiar spell I ended up with a giant slug. I
know I cast the spell right because I had the instructions in front of me
at the time and I re-read them afterward to make sure. What GOOD is a
giant slug as a familiar? It doesn't seem to DO anything but follow me
around and leave a nice slime trail for monsters to follow. It slows us
down terribly out in the open and, worse still, I have heard the ranger and
thief muttering lately about buying a big bag of salt the next time we get
into town. What can I do? Don't these familiars come with some kind of
warranty? Is there someplace I can take it and exchange it toward a
Brownie or an Imp?
Signed,
Sluggo
Dear Sluggo,
Why do people seem to have so many problems with the Find Familiar
spell? If it was up to me I would erase it from all the spell books and it
would literally cut in half the number of questions I have to field in this
column. A typical letter goes like this:
Dear Sauramud, The other day when I wasn't looking the thief
accidentally skewered my familiar and boiled it up for lunch...
In answer to your question, a giant slug is NO GOOD AT ALL as a
familiar - in fact MOST familiars are no good as a familiar. If they
aren't leaving a trail of slime behind the party for all the world to
follow or hounding you for the Hershey bar in your evening rations then
they are sitting on your shoulder leaving streaks of crow droppings down
the back of your finest wizardly robes. It gets worse. There is NO way to
exchange your familiar for a better one - what you get is what you're stuck
with. You can't just kill it either because if you try you will lose
DOUBLE its value in hit points PERMANENTLY. Oh joy! It's a sucker bet for
a beginning wizard - sort of like being sent out for a left-handed scroll
tube or a wax brazier on your first week as an apprentice.
----
Dear Sauramud,
Ye now, Im nod youst to wriding letterings to hi an nobble peaple like
ye. Im just a pour truthful fiter (my frens call me "Mussle") who youst to
bee happy smashin some skullis and gedding a lill respek for dat (I do id
WELL).
Ye sea, ewerrithin wos olrite beetwin me and de madshishans in our
bunch of hellrovin geyes until last weak. Then some soart of whyte woulf
showd up at our fire and gave to de madschikwhosers a book callt ARSE of
MAJICKS or somethin like dat. Sins then, dey haf been behawin very not
nyse to me and de other fiters, calling us Grukks, speekin of fondin a
Cowenband or so. Wen we prohtestet dey sed, we should keap to our
perronsinaliddy and haf respek for the Magee, as dey ar callin demselfs
now, disrespekfulness would not bee in our lisd off wheretoos and floas.
I dunno unnerstand ol deese thinks. Could ye pleaze tell me how to
set deyr heads strait again, so we can go bak in de dunjion, smash skullis,
grep de lute and haf a goud tyme as we youst too?
Beewillder Mussle
Dear Mussle,
A plea to fighters in general who feel compelled to write this column
for advice; PLEASE get the wizard to proof-read your attempt at literacy
before you drop it in the mail. My gnomish spell-checker keeled over dead
when he unfurled this letter. It sounds like your wizards (or Magi as they
prefer to be called now) have broken one of the cardinal sins of a
travelling spell caster. Never piss off the the rest of the party
needlessly because you may have to hide behind them someday. Just because
the fighter is a worthless piece of excrement in your eyes doesn't mean you
have to treat him as something to be wiped from the bottom of your wizardly
boots. Feign respect if you have to - this guy could save your life in a
pinch (ie, he could walk into a trap you might not have otherwise spotted).
Stifle those yawns when he tries to wow you with his prowess at
swordsmanship. Nod with false understanding when he cries the blues about
having to wear a zillion pounds of armour and you get to run around in
those dinky little robes and a pointy hat. Remember, every arrow that a
fighter absorbs is one less arrow out there with your name on it.
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Well that's all for this installment folks. As always, send _your_
questions for Sauramud to [m m caleese] at [csr.uvic.ca.] "Sauramud's Advice
Column" is written by David Braun ([David Braun] at [panam.wimsey.bc.ca])
and Michael McAleese ([m m calees] at [csr.uvic.ca]), A.K.A. "Those Dudes".
Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were:
Jason Langlois <[j--s--n] at [london.myra.com]>
[b--d] at [colonial.eecs.umich.edu] (Eric Boyd)
Chris Limber <[c--m--r] at [london.myra.com]>
[psikr 01] at [convex.zdv.uni-tuebingen.de] (Peter Kretschmar)