*****************************************************************************
          Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings    Issue #3
*****************************************************************************

To All Readers:  I would like to dispel the vicious rumors that my recent
two week study sabbatical was actually a drinking binge.  I don't need this
kind of abuse - it's already a dirty, thankless job being a wizard!  I work
my poor wizardly buns off researching the answers to the questions posed
here only to get kicked in the groin behind my back when I decide to take a
little nip of Ol' Lysol!  Next question.

--------------

Dear Sauramud:  I have this burning question that I sure hope you can
answer for me.  I seem to be having some problems with my new fireball
spell.  At first, it was great.  I took out fifteen ogres at long range
and the rest of the party loved me.  They even bought me drinks that
night.  But the last time I used the spell, we were in a dungeon.  I
blasted some assorted beasties in a big room with many exits, and even
though I was back pretty far, some of the fighters weren't, obviously.
They got roasted good.  Now they're mad at me - they won't even let me
cast a fireball outside anymore.  Is it just me, or is this spell of no
use underground?  I've just gotta know - lately they've been suggesting
that I should buy them rings of fire resistance!  Is it my fault that
they don't want to get out of my blast radius?  What can I do ?!?

Signed:

    "Torchy"


Dear Torchy:  It's that respect thing again.  Either they hate you because
you're wimpy or they hate you because you accidentally truncated their 
facial hairs with a fireball.  The problem with the rest of the party is
that they are plain 'stoopid' - obviously or they would be wizards.  You've 
got to convince them that getting a little bit singed now and then is better 
than getting swallowed by a slimy, grunting monster.  Remind them that 
you didn't insist that the fighter give up his sword the last time he ac-
cidentally cut off the point of your hat with his backswing when you were 
cringing behind him.

---------------


Dear Sauramud:  I'm a perfectly normal wizard who has a strange problem.
You see, it all started when I was on my first dungeon exploration and I
got a size 8 hole in my size 4 chest thanks to an orc's scimitar.  Luckily
the thief had a healing potion and in a few rounds I was back to normal.
This seemed to start a trend, every time the party obtained a healing
potion I would get dropped in short order and require it's aid.  Last month
I realized that I was letting myself get hit so I could drink the potion
again.  I was hooked!  I started pawning magic items for the cash to buy
healing potions, and I would drink them alone in my room in the Inn at
night.  The party is beginning to catch on, now that Bob the fighter's
"magic" sword isn't cleaving like it used to.  I swear that I still detect
magic on it, but in reality I pawned the magic one last week.  What should
I do?

Signed:

     Health Nut


Dear Health Nut:  Just say 'no' - ha!  Just kidding.  Actually it is not
uncommon for a wizard to develop healing potion dependency - in fact, it is
the leading ailment of magicers next to gesticulation elbow.  Your local
guild (you *are* a paying guild member aren't you?) has a number of
treatments at their disposal with varying degrees of nastiness, depending
upon the extent of your problem.  Most potion dependencies can be cured
with a few, repeated sessions of "shocking grasp therapy".

---------------


Dear Sauramud:  Just because I don't wear armour I end up packing every
last thing the party wants lugged around.  When I complain, they just point
at their smelly metal casings and mutter stupid non-magical stuff like "AC"
and "encumbrance".  How can I manage to instill the awe and respect due a
magicer when I'm loaded down like a pack mule?

Signed:

     Made to Look Like an Ass


Dear Ass:  I have a theory that wizards can't wear armour because doing so
lowers ones intelligence - how else can one explain that most fighters are
low-grade morons.  This can work to your advantage in that these armour
lugging louts know NOTHING about ANYTHING magical.  A bogus magical
equation scribbled into the dirt with a stick can convince even the
toughest fighter to carry his own supplies.  Example:

Wizard:  (point to meaningless scribble in dirt) I can't carry those
rations with my incredible magical aura, look at the thurble factor here!

Fighter:  (scratch ugly, louse-infested head) So?

Wizard:  Well, suit yourself if you want to go impotent when you eat them.

Fighter:  (snatch up rations very quickly)

---------------


Dear Sauramud:  Here I am, able to cast second-level spells for the first
time, and suddenly the party hates me.  You see, the only second level
spell I have is "Invisibility", so naturally I use it to make sure monsters
don't try and eviscerate me during encounters.  The other party members
accuse me of hiding and not pulling my weight, when here I am offering much
needed moral support and advice.  What can I do?

Signed:

     Vanishing Act


Dear Vanishing Act:  Ain't it true that a party can't appreciate good solid
moral support when it's offered!  Obviously they are blind to the tactical
advantage of having the enemies unable to detect the source of all the good
advice the party is receiving.  It's their own fault if you end up the only
one unscathed in combat because you had the sense to follow your own good
council which they, in their blood crazed fighting frenzy, chose to ignore.
Geez, the next thing they will want you to betray your position by casting
missiles or something!

---------------


Dear Sauramud:  I'm a beginning wizard, and have a problem.  After I cast
my spell in the dungeon, I want to leave and rest so I can study it again.
The other people in the party always want to stay and explore though, and I
really don't think going back alone would be safe.  What do I do?

Signed:

     First Level and Worried


Dear Worried:  It is a well established fact that once a first level wizard
has cast his only spell he is statistically weaker than an average house
cat.  My best advice to you is to develop a series of standard ailments
that crop up right after your last spell is cast such as a twisted ankle,
post-magic syndrome (pms) or fainting spells which will only clear up after
a few hours of rest (preferably outside).  Under no circumstances should
you attempt to feign dead after casting your last spell or they will rifle
your pockets for change and leave you behind.

---------------



Dear Sauramud:  I have an upcoming test (yes, like in dragonlance) in
order to become fifth level, I must pass this test, otherwise I will not be
able to gain third level spells.  What should I expect to know/do for this
test?  How should I prepare?  Failure means death for me.  What should I
do?  Did you have to take such a test?  Tell me about it if you did.
Thanks.

Signed,

     Worried and Shaking.

Dear W.A.S.:  As if getting run through the brisket by orcish pikes and
dodging goblin arrows while you are desperately trying to get your shield
spell off isn't test enough!  My best advice to you is to repeat the old
adage "money talks".  Find a fifth level wizard who has completed this test
and bribe him for the solution.  Did I have to complete some silly test to
get my new spells?  Of course not!  Back in my day you BOUGHT your spells.
Trust some bureaucratic busy-body to get their nose in on the wizard
racket!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well that's all for this installment folks.  As always, send _your_ 
questions for Sauramud to [m m caleese] at [csr.uvic.ca.]  "Sauramud's Advice 
Column" is written by David Braun ([David Braun] at [panam.wimsey.bc.ca])
and Michael McAleese ([m m calees] at [csr.uvic.ca]), A.K.A. "Those Dudes".


Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were:

[t--l--r] at [prism.gatech.edu] (Thomas Miller)
[r--a--e] at [mailbox.syr.edu] (Robert E. Jr. Payne)