Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives From: [m m calees] at [sol.UVic.CA] (Michael McAleese) Subject: COLUMN: Sauramud's Advice Column #10 Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 18:53:06 GMT --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings Issue 10 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once again, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ comes the latest installment of Saruamud the wizard's advice column. But first, a word or two from Sauramud himself: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Readers, Although it may look like ol' Sauramud was dragging his butt around a bit on this column I was hard at work - really I was. I've been researching my new book (title to be decided later) and it's left me little time to write advice. No more. The book has been sent off to the editors of the "Wizard Weekly News" for final butchering before we decide upon a title for it and send it to the scribes. As usual I will shamelessly plug my new book in the next WWN after its publication (of course, it doesn't hurt that ol' Sauramud writes his own book reviews). Ahem. On with the questions. --- Dear Saramund, Recently I was pondering imponderables and other such exotica while polishing my master's mirror for the nth time and a question of great philosophical significance came to me. Having heard of your salubrious sagacity and philosophical pompesity, I decided to pose this question for analysis to Your Lofty Eruditeness: "If vampires have no reflection in the mirror, yet always appear immacuately groomed (check out any TSR Ravenloft product cover), then how do they do apply their evening application of Maybeleed NightShade muskcara and Eau de Hemogoblin to get those perfect complections in case unexepected adventurers drop in for dinner?" My fellow precocious prestidagators and alliterating apprentices would absolutely appreciate an answer ASAP. - Mr. Dual Class, window washer and magnificent mage - Dear DCWW, I and most other (still living) wizards tend to avoid vampires - and I don't count 'undead' wizards as still living. Contrary to popular belief a vampire is _not_ always perfectly groomed. When a vampire first arises from its coffin in the evening it is as scruffy and rumpled as it is short tempered. Just because nobody has _lived_ to tell about seeing an unkempt vampire doesn't mean there aren't any. This whole 'well groomed vampire' story is just a myth perpetrated by the same. --- Dear Sauramud: Please say a few words for all of us poor illusionists out there that feel neglected and abandoned by the "new world order" that we see and hear so much about. What's all this crap about specialization, anyway? You don't ever run across any true illusionists now, just wizards masquerading as illusionists (and necromancers, and fire-mages, and conjurors...) How can a poor gnome make a living as a real illusionist these days? signed: Dis-Illusioned Dear Dis-Illusioned: Eh? Whatever would possess me to say anything nice about an illusionist? Do I look like such a short-wicked lantern to you? Good riddance to the illusionists I say - and to all the other wimpy wizard wanna be's! The only reason there were illusionists at all is because gnomes were barred from the Wizard's Guild (there is rather a long bit of history behind that which I won't get into just now) and started their own discipline in a snit. As if that wasn't bad enough, even in your _own_ realm you silly gnomes couldn't get past seventh level! --- Dear Sauramud: A few years ago you published a column that contained a short poem expounding the joys of a brand new wand of fireballs that you'd rifled from some tomb somewhere. I have always loved that poem and have found it very inspirational at the times when the orcs are bearing down on me. How about publishing that one again for all the beginning wizardlings out there that will probably die before they ever get their grimy hands on one? signed: Wistful Fistful o' Magic Dear WFM: Okay, you asked for it. Here I thought I had finally managed to put this little poem to rest for good... Ode to a Wand of Fireballs that I Pilfered from a Tomb ====================================================== Oh Fire Wand of ebon black I pilfered from a dead man's pack within that tomb beside the creek (the one we looted just last week) You stirred my heart and firmed my hand with pyrotechnic blasts so grand that turned our foes to smoke and ash in one great whacking fiery flash You served me well and fired true until your final charge I blew which sad to say was one charge shy of wiping out that demon guy. ====================================================== You're welcome. --- Dear Sauramud: I'm writing to you about how my new familiar is causing envy and distrust amonst my fellow adventurers just because it turned out to be an Imp. "An Imp," they're saying. "You only get one of those if yer evil." I tried to explain about accidental mis-casting of spells, but what do they know. Sauramud, I finally get a familiar that isn't slimy or leaves droppings on my shoulder and this is the result. I don't want to send it back because, let's face it, it's a darn good familiar, being hard to kill and even having useful powers like invisibility and casting suggestion spells. A heck of a lot better than the "wide angle vision" of that toad frog I got last time. What should I do? signed: Not Evil, Just Misunderstood Dear Evil Wizard: Let me get this straight, you are trying to convince the rest of your party that you somehow miscast the spell and accidentally got the embodiment of evil as a familiar? Well I certainly _hope_ they are not buying it. I don't know how stupid you think the rest of your party is but I don't think that even Joe Fighter would swallow a line like that. Don't expect too much sympathy either; I got a CROW! Since there's no way you're going to convince the others in the party that you're not evil you might try explaining the _advantages_ of having an evil wizard in the party. As long as there isn't a paladin, ranger or lawful good cleric amongst them, and assuming their collective intelligence score is about the same as your shoe size (not unlikely) this approach might work. Tell them that it always helps to have somebody in the party who can lie, cheat, steal and buy poison. Parties tend to turn a blind eye to incidental acts of evil if it's for the greater good of the group - and as long as it doesn't hit them in the money pouch. You might point out that all wizards act pretty much alike regardless of alignment; that is, we all cringe behind the fighters, drink all the healing potions and pawn party magic items to buy spells. Heck, when you get right down to it I think 'Wizard' should be an alignment unto itself. --- Dear Saruamud: Finally, after long hours of slogging through a dungeon, I pulled myself out of that hell-hole only to find the rest of my party had snuffed it along the way. Now all the treasure falls to me, amongst which was a nifty magic sword. Somehow sword training was missed out by my master, so I tried to buy training with all my new gold. Just what the heck is going on with the warriors, Sauramud? NO ONE will teach me how to use a sword, no matter how much gold I offer! They mumble something about 'rules' and turn away. How can a wizard learn to swing a sword in this climate of supression of knowledge? signed: Frustrated Sword-Swinger Dear Frustrated Fighter FOR GODS' SAKE SNAP OUT OF IF KID! Why in the heck would you want to go swinging a sword into battle anyway? A wizard could get HURT doing that kind of thing! It's taken years of propaganda to convince non spell casters that it's some kind of "advantage" to be able to swing a sword. Perhaps you should pick up my first book "Magely Ways" in which I devote almost a whole chapter on how to express disappointment at not being able to join in close combat with the others while you sit back at a safe distance sipping espresso between spells. There are a number of good uses for a magic sword other than trying to swing it around yourself and possibly taking your own head off. Why don't you track down one of those big, burly fighters with a strength exactly six times as great as their intelligence (no shortage of those!) and give it to him on the condition that he let you hide behind him if things get dicey. If you can't find any fighters you can trust then you can always sell a nice magic sword for LOTS of nifty spells and magical trinkets that NO wizard should be without (like a crosshair ring of magic missile control). --- Greetings, Saramud, how goes life in the middle ages? I'm a wizard who was put into magical sleep by some creep about a century ago, and woke up just recently. I was prepared for some minor differences, but totally unprepared for this illogical thing people are calling "2nd Edition". Since you have obviously been around for a while, I was hoping that you could awnser some complaints that have... 1. Where did all the Half-Orcs go? There was one h-orc who was perfect I could ask him to stand in front of the enemies while I prepared a fireball, and he'd obey. These days, it seems that fighters use one dice-method or another to get an IQ of greater than five. What gives? Now I have to resort to the old, "do it or you'll be pissing ants for the next week" argument. 2. What's up with these annoying Psionicist guys? I mean, is this copyright infringment or what? Not only can they cast spell-like things, have a higher minimum IQ than wizards (which really steams me!), and get to boss around fighters, but THEY GET 1D6 PER LEVEL! This is completely illogical, with the power that they have at 1st level, I should be able to sneez and kill them! 3. Who started teaching all these stupid little "kits" at MIT (Mages' Institute of Throwing, fireballs) for Gods' sakes? I hadn't been awake for a week before some "specialist" hot-shot challenges me to a match. After I fried his "specialist" butt, I went to the nearest MIT representative. Who authorized "Militant Wizards"? Don't you higher-up guys still attend meetings to protest this stuff? 4. Who killed all the dorkey monks? It used to be that I could count on some suicidal monk to jump into the misdt of a large melee when I faked a need for help. Now the only people doing the jumping into combat are the fighters that I cast Hold Person and Levitation on. 5. 0th level NPCs! Oh, how I long for the days when even a first level anything could beat up on a townsperson. Now it seems that every merchant is a 1st level fighter with a specialty in cloth or something just as worthless. Why does everybody feel the need to put a number greater than zero in his title? I've run into SERVING WENCHES that were higher level than most of my spells. A chamberlin I heard about yesterday had more levels than my party's fighters IQs added together! Now everybody has more hit points than wizards. Well, I'm off. Some wet-behind-the-ears "specialist" just challenged me to a game of Magic Missiles. Hah! I bet that he can't even tag 10 fighters in one round! Sincerely, Ri Pvanw Inkle Dear Ri, Since you itemized your questions I will itemize my answers likewise. 1. Since you were asleep at the time it is not surprising that you missed _The Big Scandal_ where it was learned that there was a covert operation by the mages guild to breed fighters for high strength and low IQ. Half-orcs were an invention of the guild as they fit into the guidelines rather nicely. The other character classes were outraged and threatened open war against the wizards unless the practice was stopped. The guild backed down to avoid a rather messy situation. 2. Although there have always been psionics, it was only recently that the "Society for Persons with Psionic Inclinations" applied for full Character Class status. How it got granted is beyond me. Yers truly has psionics but I don't use them very often (give me a headache - mind you, that Psionic Blast saved my bacon once). You don't see me running out to join this new "character class" though. 3. I'm afraid this one goes back to that antitrust case brought against the guild a few years ago. I still get a little too hot under the collar to discuss it coherently. 4. Contrary to popular belief the monks did not all die in silly combat as has been widely supposed. The monks are just lying low (_very_ low) until the Grandmaster of Flowers can properly explain that embarrassing incident involving two Masters, four Initiates and a goat. 5. I hate to break this to you but everybody has _always_ had more hit points than a wizard. Once a first level wizard has cast his one Push spell for the day he is on pretty even footing with a giant centipede (if he can get the drop on it) or a giant rat (if it is tied up and drugged for him). If it is any consolation he is marginally tougher than an average house cat (geez, you mean my _own_ familiar is tougher than _I_ am?). Putting a level number greater than zero in front of most townees doesn't change what was already there. --- Dear Sauramud, I have been happily studying in my Tower for the past couple of year in the Ursal mountains. I was starting to grow bored and began longing for the good old days of adventure, scaring locals, watching fighters playing like they are punching bags and the like. Also my supplies of herbs has started to grow low and I needed to get out and find some more Mystic Mandrake. So I packed a bag and did my morning exercise of 25-ink pen lifts with each arm. Then I went down to set out and when I opened my door this eerie vapor forced me back into the tower and slammed the door. I was completely filled with rage. I responded with such a thorough battery of offensive magic that I will have to have two stories of my tower rebuilt as soon as I figure out my problem. I still can't leave the tower by any means. The only clue I have in this situation is when I cast a minor inquire spell as to the nature of this despicable force which restrained me. I told me that I was not "2nd edition" whatever that meant. What is this 2nd edition and how can I achieve 2nd edition status. Stuck in the mud, Honorable Stick PS This letter was sent through several alternate planes to get there, and some typos may have crept in during the various translations. Dear Honorable Stick, The best thing to do for this "2nd edition" stuff is to ignore it. If you examine it a little further you will find that it has lots of flash but very little substance. While it won't go away if you pretend it's not there you will find that you can wade through it with a little effort. Most of the effect of this "2nd edition" force is upon the mind of the individual. Everybody has become a little sillier. Some would call this progress. Who am I to argue? --- Dear Sauramud, How do you get those nasty stains (which, lets face it, are part of the trade of an adventuring wizard) out of your expensive embroidered robes? I've tried washer women, alchemists, and even priests but nothing seems to restore my robes to their original finery. Removing spilled healing potion is impossible! What can I do, without just buying new robes every time I get killed or something? Signed: Practical Prestidigitator Dear Practical Prestidigitator, I'm glad _somebody_ finally asked that question because this is one that plagued me for years. As any wizard can tell you, these fancy robes ain't cheap! I used to carry two or three sets of robes with me on the trail so that I could always look my best when casting pyrotechnic marvels but a sudden change in the encumbrance laws made this impractical. Thank the gods for WizKleen - the heavy duty spot remover for the working wizard. Just a few drops of this industrial strength liquid with water will remove just about _any_ stain from robes; blood, ichor, acid and even healing potion. This miracle cleaner is the product of many years invested in magical and biochemical research. WizKleen is moderately safe, only somewhat environmentally damaging if used in moderation and has proven reasonably non-toxic in tests on laboratory orcs! WizKleen should be available through your guild, or watch for the free sample vial with the next issue of the 'Wizard Weekly News'. --- Dear Sauramud, HELLLLLLLLLP! I CONJURED UP THIS THING AND IT'S GOT ME BY THE LEG.... Dear whoever-you-are, Since you didn't sign your letter I don't know who to whom I should address this answer. Furthermore, since you didn't finish your letter I don't know your question was going to be. A bit of logical reasoning has allowed me to deduce that it pertained to my new book. I am not at liberty to disclose too many details at this time, but if I was I would say that EVERY wizard simply MUST have a copy of it. You are a total WEENIE if you don't have one. Not only will it look good on your library shelf next to my first book, it will distinguish you as a wizard of SUPERIOR TASTE and INTELLECT. Buy one. Buy TEN! Give it as a gift to your friends from the guild. Buy one for the coffee table at home - it will come in an ATTRACTIVE, HAND-BOUND LEATHER COVER WITH GILTED TRACERIES ALONG THE BINDING. Heck - buy one for the fighter just... because! BUY! BUY! BUY! Of course, I would say all these things if I was permitted to speak of the book in this column, which I am not. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well that's all for this installment folks. As always, send _your_ questions for Sauramud to [m m caleese] at [csr.uvic.ca.] "Sauramud's Advice Column" is written by David Braun ([David Braun] at [panam.wimsey.bc.ca]) and Michael McAleese ([m m calees] at [csr.uvic.ca]), A.K.A. "Those Dudes". Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were: [mat t h] at [terapin.com] (Matt Houlahan) [G--B--T] at [utkvx.utk.edu] Eric Boyd <[b--d] at [colonial.eecs.umich.edu]> and the Orcs in the Hall. -- * [m m calees] at [csr.uvic.ca] (Michael McAleese) : I speak only for me... * "Man can believe the impossible, but never the improbable." - Oscar Wilde (For snooping governments: heroin, cocaine, FBI, CSIS, CIA, albatross...)