From: [wildwood greenbough] at [usa.pipeline.com] (Bill Wilson) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives Subject: LIST: Best of Munchkins - humor (2/2) Date: 20 Jul 1996 16:52:59 -0400 (70) You are NOT a munchkin if your character learns from experience. You MAY be a munchkin if your character doesn't need experience. You ARE a munchkin if experience learns from your character. (71) You are NOT a munchkin if you fight for your kingdom. You MAY be a munchkin if you fight against your kingdom. You ARE a munchkin if your kingdom fights for you. (72) You are NOT a munchkin if you own a sword +1. You MAY be a munchkin if you own a sword +5. You ARE a munchkin if you created a sword +5. (NB. This actually happened in my campaign once - on mystara, Jasaper, Broadsword +5, Wish once per year, adamantite blade, +7 vs Demons, the Eye of Traldar fixed on the pommell... MUNCHKIN GAME!) (73) You are NOT a munchkin if you are scared of Meteor Swarm. You MAY be a munchkin if you can cast Meteor Swarm. You ARE a munchkin if the creatures you're fighting are immune to Meteor Swarm. (74) You are NOT a munchkin if you journey to other kingdoms. You MAY be a munchkin if you journey to other planes. You ARE a munchkin if you journey to other campaigns for dinner with their gods. (75) You are NOT a munchkin if your character wears plate armour. You MAY be a munchkin if your character wears plate armour +5. You ARE a munchkin if your horse wears plate armour +5. (76) You are NOT a munchkin if you hunt ogres for their treasure. You MAY be munchkin if you hunt dragons for their treasure. You ARE a munchking if people hunt you for your treasure. (77) You ARE the mother of all munchkins if you journey to other planes to dine on the gods. (78) You are the mother of all munchkins if your Great Wyrm gold dragon wears plate armor +5, of Etherealness. (79) You are the mother of all munchkins if no creature with a will to live would dare hunt you for your treasure. (80) You are not a Munchkin if you are playing a human wizard on Krynn You may be a Munchkin if you are playing a drow fighter/wizard on Toril You are a Munchkin if you are playing an aasimar in Sigil and claim your Solar father has inherited you all his skills , attributes and equipment. (81) You are not a Munchkin in you are playing a fighter wielding a long sword. You may me a Munchkin if you are playing a ranger wielding a long sword +4 and scimitar +2 You are a Munchkin if you are playing a ranger wielding 2 scimitars of speed and a vorpal dancing 2H sword. (82) You are not a Munchkin if you are playing a 3rd level paladin. You may be a Munchkin if you play a 9th level fighter / 15 level invoker You are a Munchkin If you play a 17th level eastern monk , 23th level kensai , 30th level psycoporter and kill the tarrasque, tiamat , orcus and the dragon of Tyr all in the same combat round using your bare hands. (83) You are not a munchkin if you declare you want to destroy the world you are in, and nobody pays attension. You may be a munchkin if you declare you want to destroy the world you are in, and everbody start wondering if you can do it. You are a munchkin if you declare you want to destroy the world you are in, and everyone, DM included, start Plane Shifting to a brand new world. (83a)This is the tag line attached to #83... it was just too much in the flavor of this thread to leave out... `Another World? we just built the last one and he blew it up again?' Zeus To Odin, on a very friendly outing. (84) You are NOT a munchkin if your God-PC created worlds just to look at all the critters move about in it, cuz its so cool You MAY BE a munchkin if your God-PC created worlds to travel through and revel in being GOD of that world You ARE a munchkin if your God-PC creates worlds just to destroy them for the xps, with the next project already in mind Okay, so it's debatable whether ANY God-PC should be munchkin by definition, but hell.... (85) You are NOT a munchkin if you're afraid of Pit Fiends. You MAY be a munchkin if you valiantly face Pit Fiends. You ARE a munchkin if you wonder why your DM can't give you something harder to fight than Pit Fiends. (86) You are NOT a munchkin if you know stories of artifacts. You MAY be a munchkin if you have used an artifact. You ARE a munchkin if you have an artifact named after you. (87) You are NOT a munchkin if you see a dragon and begin rolling up a new PC. You MAY BE a munchkin if you see a dragon and decide to take the 250 XP for your teleport spell. You ARE a munchkin if you see a dragon and complain because it won't give you enough XP for the next level, and there's nothing in its hoard you don't already have anyway. (88) You are not a munchkin if you were asked to do the dishes. You might be a munchkin if you can order everybody else to do the dishes. You are a munchkin if you ask The God Odin to do the dishes.... and he ask `How do you want it done?' (89) (This one is for all the Gygax-haters out there) You are NOT a munchkin in you play D&D. You MAY be a munchkin if you memorized D&D. You ARE a munchkin if you invented D&D. (90) You are NOT a munchkin if you play a Half Orc. You MAY be a munchkin if you play an Orc. You ARE a munchkin if you play Orcus. (91) You are NOT a munchkin if you take Ancient History as an NWP. You MAY be a munchkin if you take Weaponsmithing as an NWP. You ARE a munchkin if you take Ancient History Smithing as an NWP. (92) You are NOT a munchkin if you ride a Horse. You MAY be a munchkin if you ride a Griffon. You ARE a munchkin if you ride a Tarrasque. (93) You are NOT a munchkin if you ride a Horse. You MAY be a munchkin if you ride a Dragon. You ARE a munchkin if you have a Dragon as a pack animal. (94) You are NOT a munchkin if you fear Death. You MAY be a munchkin if you fought Death. You ARE a munchkin if you went to school with Death. (95) You are NOT a munchkin if you have no 18 stats. You MAY be a munchkin if you have more than one 18 stat. You ARE a munchkin if you didn't know that there WERE stats under 18. (96) You are NOT a munchkin if you dislike Party Wars. You MAY be a munchkin if you like Party Wars. You ARE a munchkin if you live for Party Wars. (97) You are NOT a munchkin if you play a character of the opposite sex. You MAY be a munchkin if you have NEVER played a charcter of the opposite sex. You ARE a munchkin if you didn't knoiw there WAS an opposite sex. (98) You are NOT a munchkin if you fear pain. You MAY be a munchkin if you enjoy pain. You ARE a munchkin if you play the Lady of Pain. (99) You are NOT a munchkin if you got adventure ideas from TOLKIEN novels. You MAY be a munchkin if you got adventure ideas from CONAN novels. You ARE a munchkin if you got adventure ideas from CTHULHU novels. (100) You may be a munchkin if you have been reading this thread and don't realize that it is meant to be funny. (100a) You are not a munchkin if this thread amuses the hell out of you. You are a munchkin if you've been reading this thread and taking notes for campaign ideas. (100b) You are a Munchkin if you're printing this thread out to put into your Idea Sourcebook. (101)You are not a munchkin if your INT is so low that you have to use stones to count You might be a munchkin if your INT is high enough to use an abacus You are a munchkin if you *invented* numbers (102)You ARE NOT a Munchkin if your character hates priestesses of Lolth You MAY BE a Munchki n if your character _is_ a priestess of Lolth You ARE a Munchkin if Loloth is a priestess of your character (103)You ARE NOT a Munchkin if you worship the gods You MAY BE a Munchkin if you think gods don't deserve to be worshipped from you You ARE a Munchkin if gods worship you (104)You ARE the mother of all Munchkins if gods think they don't deserve to worship you (105)You MAY be a munchkin if you try to use your wish to create another Wand of Orcus (an exact replica of the one in your bag) ***MAY???!!!*** (106)You are NOT a munchkin if you can't set fire to a flask of wine. You MAY BE a munchkin if your flask of wine burns like a flask of oil. You ARE a munchkin if your flask of wine burns like a 10 HD fireball. OK, admittedly, this doesn't make as much sense if you haven't been following the "Famous last words thread". (107)You are NOT a munchkin if you think munchkins are ridiculously powerful. You MAY be a munchkin if you think munchkins are a bit powerful. You ARE a munchkin if you think munchkins aren't too powerful. I don't know WHAT you are if you think munchkins are weak. (108)You are NOT a munchkin if you've reached the 36th level in D&D You MAY be a munchkin if you've reached the 36th level in AD&D You ARE a munchkin if you've reached the 36th level of SPELLS in AD&D. (109)You are NOT a munchkin if your party contains 4 people. You MAY be a munchkin if your party contains 14 people. You ARE a munchkin if your party doesn't contain ANY -people- (110)You are NOT a munchkin DM if the god of your world is Helm. You MAY be a munchkin DM if the god of your world is PC. You ARE a munchkin DM if the god of your world is your personal incarnation... (111)You ARE a munckin if your paladin has a teleporting dragon.... (112)You are NOT a munchkin if you roll stat on 3d6. You MAY be a munchkin if you roll stat on 4d6. You ARE a munchkin if you roll stats on 6d4. (113)You are NOT a munchkin if you use a sabre You MAY be a munchkin if you use two sabres. You ARE a munchkin if you use a LIGHT SABRE. (114)You are NOT a munchkin if you need a beltpouch to store your silver. You MAY be a munchkin if you need a backpack to store your gold. You ARE a munchkin if you need a Portable Hole to store your platinum. (115)You are NOT a munchkin if you gaive gold coins to armourers and tell them to keep the change: You MAY be a munchkin if you give gold coins to inkeepers and tell them to keep the change. You ARE a munchkin if you give gold coins to beggars and tell them to keep the change. (116)You are NOT a munchkin if you tip a barmaid. You MAY be a munchkin if you tip a priest. You ARE a munchkin if you tip a God. (117)You are NOT a munchkin if you keep a list of your kills. You MAY be a munchkin if you keep a booklet of your kills. You ARE a munchkin if you find it saves paper to just tick off your kills in the Monstrous Manual. (118)You are NOT a munchkin if you need one volume to record all your spells. You MAY be a munchkin if you need several volumes to record your spells. You ARE a munchkin if you need a laptop Pentium to record all your spells. (119)You are NOT a munchkin if you read a Gary Gygax novel. You MAY be a munchkin if you read ALL Gary Gygax novels. You ARE a munchkin if you WROTE a Gary Gygax novel. :) (120)You are not a munchkin if you wear Plate Mail You MAY be a munchkin if you wear Plate +2 You ARE a munchkin if you wear one of the five ronin armors. (121)Not necessarily true. You are NOT a munchkin if you've HEARD of the Five Yoroi (original name) You MAY be a munchkin if you WEAR one of the Five Yoroi You ARE a munchkin if you use the Yoroi to fight Orcs. **THE MUNCHKING** And the final note.... For times when the term munchkin just won't do, I give you the MUNCHKING! How to spot the MUNCHKING!: - In order to prove he is not a munchkin, he uses his weakest weapon in combat (a +5 Vorpal Knitting Needle). - He ride into battle on an Avatar. - He posts messages with title like "NEW IMPROVED ANONYMITY". - He spent more time on his .sig than you spent on your masters thesis. - He has yet to find a character sheet with enough room for "Level". - He ticks of his magic Items in the ENCYCLOPEDIA MAGICA to save trees. - He wears at-shirt that says "My other magic sword is ALSO an Artifact." - He is annoyed that the stat tables in the PHB only go up to 25. - He insists on taking a Half Elf/Half Dwarf to get ALL the good bonuses. - He insists that his last GM let him have the 'Rod of Seven Parts' ("See, its right here on my character sheet beside 'Excalibur'"). - He thinks wizard spells are CUMULATIVE. - He actually said "I played D&D with Gary Gygax at a convention." and seems PROUD of it. - He is reading this post and getting angry. - He penalizes players XP for wasting time talking to NPCs. - He thinks that Elminster is a whimp. - He thinks the Tarrasque is a whimp. - He thinks GOD is a whimp. - He thinks the DM is a wimp. - His paladin puts on the Hand and Eye of Vecna, and _Vecna's_ alignment starts changing to Lawful Good. - He has Heward's Mystical Organ fully repaired and tuned up and sitting in his castle's basement gathering dust. - He installed a mechanical play option onto the Organ to play complicated tunes without error. - His Charisma is 25 and he doesn't even know what that means. - He keeps telling the DM that the Treasure Tables are way too stingy; - And he insists that the listed treasure type for "Kobold" applies to each individual kobold. - He uploads to AOL 35 poorly but painstakingly executed drawings of all the fantastically beautiful and dangerous women who cling to his character like lint. - He (a different munchkin) downloads the above drawings, and orders his DM to let him have them as henchmen. - The name of every spell he has ever researched begins with "Improved." - He thought Tomb of Horrors was simple, even though he fell for every single trap in the dungeon. -- your character has more hp's than xp's and he's not first level. -- Your friends stop playing with you 'cause they're just jealous' -- Your character sheet is longer than the encyclopedia britannica. -- You've sent a letter to the Vatican insisting they cannonize your character. -- Your armor has more pluses than a first graders addition homework. -- Reading about the character in the 'invincible PC' post gave you a warm fuzzy. -- You have a law suit pending against TSR for not including your character in 'Legends and Lore'. (counts double if you think you may win) -- You've been published in the dragon magazine april edition of 'unanswerables' more than once. -- You think encumberance should be banned from play permenently. -- You think character Hit dice are cumulative (ie. a third level paladin has 6 d10's worth of hit points). -- When someone says 'D&D is just a game' you hug your character sheet to your chest and whisper 'he was only kidding... he didn't mean it." -- You claim to be immune to tactical nukes becuase they aren't + 3 or better. -- When your DM said the monsters also get crit hits, you attacked him with a chair. -- Your characters strength is Avagadro's number. -- You claim to have killed the entire deities and demigods. -- You laminate your character sheets. -- (FR players) Ao is your squire, and Elminster your scribe. -- Your character is his own deity. -- You bought a three hundred dollar HP calculator so you could figure out how many gold coins you have. -- Your original character was gonna be a PALADIN-MAGE-DRUID-ASSASSIN-MONK, but when your DM wouldn't listen to your 'reasonable' request to suspend the split experience rule, you whined for a moment then chose your present character. -- Finally, when you roll dice it goes something like this: You use the 12d6 drop the lowest 9 method twelve times and take the six best. You then roll again for your 'bonus points', only when you roll and somehow fail to get three sixes, you say 'okay, this time for real..." -He thinks that a Girdle of Storm Giant strength, guantlets of Ogre Power, and a Warhammer of Thunder of Lightning are a common combination for magical treasure and he gets mad if the Warhammer is not Vorpal w/life stealing Abilites. - His character sheet has semen stains on it. - His THAC0 is Planck's constant. - He thinks ordinary munchkins are wimps. - He devised a new ability generation system - 4d100, keep 3 highest. - He disposed of all the regular magical items in the DMG because they weren't powerful enough. - He expects his god to pray to him. - his dex is lightspeed P.S.- This is all in fun. If you got angry, you are a MUNCHKING! and I don't really care what you think! Contributors: [j--at--n] at [soho.ios.com] (Jonathan Edelstein) [wildwood greenbough] at [usa.pipeline.com] (Bill Wilson) [d b rohman] at [chat.carleton.ca] (Dave Brohman) [nb 4769] at [mail.bris.ac.uk] (Neil Barnes) [bf 679] at [FreeNet.Carleton.CA] (R. John Morrow) [p--ar--i] at [aero.und.nodak.edu] (Mike Pelarski) [t--or--s] at [cs.mcgill.ca] (Simon) [r--o--e] at [nando.net] (The King of the Munchkins... :) ) [m--n--g] at [gvi.net] (Jason DeNeault) [d b rohman] at [chat.carleton.ca] (Dave Brohman) [moonsong 99] at [aol.com] (Moonsong99) [gs 01 r m b] at [panther.Gsu.EDU] (Rolf M. Bunchner) [c king] at [cc.colorado.edu] (Cameron King) [shawn kester] at [nt.com] (Shawn Kester) [b f myers] at [ix.netcom.com](Myers) [m--o--e] at [math.uci.edu] (LK) [j--i--h] at [cln.etc.bc.ca] (The Munchkin ) [e--te--s] at [nijenrode.nl] (Robert Enters) [l r mead] at [whale.st.usm.edu] (Lawrence R. Mead) [l--tl--m] at [gnatnet.net] (John Morgan Little) [y--g] at [valleynet.com] (Ki-Rin) [t--s--n] at [ni.net] (Terry Austin) [w--o] at [where.net] (DrkShade) [k--a--k] at [srv.net] (Chris Appelhans) [p--sa--a] at [aston.ac.uk] (A PASSANTE) [f--e--y] at [iinet.net.au] (Greg Tannahill) [r--in--n] at [blue.weeg.uiowa.edu] (The Amorphous Mass) [s--i--z] at [krick.com] (Christian Seitz) [c h ris] at [scos.intserv.com] (Chris Rachiele) [k--r--y] at [pacific.net.sg] (Kirby Kuah) [D--St--O] at [worldnet.att.net] (Chester Boyd) [p--ti--e] at [servtech.com] (Chaos Harlequin) [h--k--d] at [freeside.fc.net] (Andrew Hackard) [Z D FY 66 B] at [prodigy.com] (Joseph Gerber) [s--e--x] at [interserv.com] [g--id--v] at [net4u.it] (Guido Villa) [m curr 00] at [tpnet.co.nz] (Mike Currie) [m--ar--o] at [nmsu.edu] (M. CARLSON) [watkin s w] at [brutus.datastar.net] (Jeremy Watkins) [s--w--p] at [wizvax.net] (Sea Wasp) [George 21] at [concentric.net] (George Hirst) [J M XK 24 E] at [prodigy.com] (Chris Pappas) [m--u--h] at [hgmp.mrc.ac.uk] (Mr. M.J. Lush) [a--b--s] at [freenet.columbus.oh.us] (Alan Robinson) [s--tt--n] at [bssc.edu.au] (Scatt Man)