Newsgroups: alt.drugs,alt.drugs.pot From: [an 246603] at [anon.penet.fi] (Yours Truly Anonymous) Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 14:43:39 UTC Subject: How I Passed My Urine Test Unwilling to entrust the fate of a near six-figure job offer to herbal urine cleansers sold in head shops, I decided that, to make sure I passed my drug test, I should smuggle in a pee sample from a trusted friend who doesn't smoke pot. I knew that I'd better perfect my smuggling act before taking the test, and the time I spent perfecting turned out to be crucial to success. On the advice of a person at NORML (you can call them on a 900 number for excellent, friendly suggestions) I brought my sample to the test in a condom which was pressed against my crotch by a rather tight pair of jockey underwear underneath somewhat baggy (and expensive) suit pants. I spent part of the weekend before the test filling comdoms with water, tying them off, then cutting them open with a small pair of scissors and pouring the contents into a light (weight) paper cup. That takes more dexterity than you might think, as it's important not to break the condom and not to knock over the cup - something which can happen quite easily. At first I tried untying the codoms by hand, but I found that too difficult. I also tried using a safety pin to release the water from the condom, but the resulting flow was insufficient, and the condom broke when I tried to increase the flow by stabbing it a second time. I used two six packs of non-lubricated Trojans for practice and for the actual deed. I thought of using a plastic Visine bottle instead of a condom, but the guy from NORML pointed out that the sample must be at least 55 milli-liters, so a Visine bottle won't work. On the evening before the test, my friend came over and provided a large sample in a tumbler. We poured the sample into two condoms (one for a backup). Each condom had much more than enough fluid for a single test, and each was tyed off using the neck of the condom itself, not twine. I thanked my friend, then drove to a motel which was less than a mile from the site where the drug screen was to be performed at 9 AM the next day. I slept fitfully, at one point dreaming that the condom slid down my trousers and lay on the floor like some ghastly green corn dog, in full view of several fascist doctors and nurses. At last the morning arrived, and I had an apprehensive breakfast before returning to my motel to ready the samples. I ran both urine-filled condoms under hot water until they reached a temperature that I estimate was over 100 degrees farenheit. I dried both with a face towel and noticed that thus heated, they smelled quite strongly of urine. No matter. I placed one of the samples snuggly against my crotch, put on a suit and tie over my tight underpants, and sallied forth carefully and self- consciously to my appointment. Once there, I was glad I'd heated the samples as I did, because I had to wait some 15 minutes before being called to action. Even though the sample is kept warm by its proximity to the crotch, I imagine it can cool below body temperature and be rejected as too cold if the testers use a sesitive thermometer. The lab technician I dealt with was a pleasant, businesslike young woman who asked me to take off my jacket and hang it up. She then asked me to wash my hands. After I dried them, she handed me a plastic bottle and a paper cup, telling me to urinate in the cup, then pour the contents into the bottle and screw the bottle cap on firmly. She then led me to the toilet room which had a door that closed. Unlike the drug screens given to criminals or perhaps athletes, those used in pre-employment tests do not require that you be watched as you are giving the sample. The worst you can expect is to be asked to remove your clothes (in private) and don a clinical gown, something that would not have made any difference had I been asked to do it. The bathroom itself had a sink whose fawcetts did not work. That prevents people from diluting their samples, I suppose. The water in the toilet itself was dyed and contained a chemical that would cause any sample to which it is added to be rejected. I closed the door, carefully removed the condom from my underwear (along with the small pair of scissors tucked on the other side of my crotch) and placed both items next to the cup and the bottle I'd put atop the toilet tank. I then pinched the condom just below the knot and snipped it with the scissors. I poured about half the contents of the condom into the cup - there was no room for more - and dumped the rest into the toilet. I was glad I'd practiced this little stunt because it really is easy to knock the cup over. I tossed both pieces of the condom into the toilet and flushed it. I put the scissors into my pocket (important) then poured the contents of the paper cup into the plastic bottle, replacing the cap securely. I then took cup and bottle back to the lab technician, who told me to toss the cup into a trash box she showed me. She then placed a seal on the plastic bottle containing my sample, and assured me that it would not be mixed up with anyone elses, for which I was duly grateful. I noticed that she judged the temperature of the sample by hand instead of using a thermometer. She gave me a receipt which said the sample's temperature was 96 degrees farenheit. I thanked her, put my jacket back on and drove away. After driving about 100 yards, I let out a glorious scream of joy and relief, EEHAH!! I have been on my job now for just over a year since passing my drug test. In that time I have received a wonderful raise, and am earning over 100K for the first time in my life. I find this victory all the sweeter for my having won it without either abstaining for however long is necessary, or drinking unatural quantities of fruit juice, tea or dubious and expensive herbal concoctions. I recommend this procedure to anyone who must be subjected to the humiliating ritual called drug screening. I am Yours Truly Anonymous -----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- Version: 2.6.2 mQCNAy+uAFIAAAEEAOZsBBttvtPzggMdJe3il/4DAu6UfGrDqUsn7U4/841dXp21 I7IkjTSupLginjbWwGoW7009v09+tFKGX4SYEXf2XSE8SI5/0iZ1zcBD8FuyX4Uu OaiueDXXOJzKxATv4bVQe7l98QsBEsWrxKBnJ4IxMUtVH57oO4j2aNctiQNJAAUT tBVZb3VycyBUcnVseSBBbm9ueW1vdXM= =/XKo -----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To find out more about the anon service, send mail to [h--p] at [anon.penet.fi.] If you reply to this message, your message WILL be *automatically* anonymized and you are allocated an anon id. Read the help file to prevent this. Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to [a--m--n] at [anon.penet.fi.]