Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1996 11:24:04 -0400
Reply-To: [ferris c c] at [Mainstream.net]
From: Chris Ferris <[ferris c c] at [Mainstream.net]>
Subject: Reuters Reports "Cold in Moscow Takes 600 Lives"


>From THE BOSTON GLOBE 04/10/96

(Reuters) - "Six hundred people froze to death in Moscow 
this winter, and two became the first for five years to be killed by falling 
icicles, the Interfax news agency said yesterday. Officials say death 
rates from exposure in city streets were higher than in past years, as 
most of Europe was gripped by one of the longest, coldest winters in decades.
Intefax quoted city authorities as saying all the victims of the Moscow 
cold, 120 of them women, had been drinking".

James Guest, newly appointed President of HCI (Handling Cold Individuals), 
expressed grave concern at what he termed an outbreak of "cold violence" 
in Moscow and immediately dispatched well know U.S. "gangsta rappers" Ice-T 
and Ice Cube to the scene as HCI's ambassadors. Guest worried aloud that 
Moscow residents would equip themselves with heavy, black winter clothing 
thick with more than 10 layers of goose down or black Thinsulate to protect 
themselves against the numbing cold. He said that such heavy-weight goose 
down or black Thinsulate clothing should be made available only to police or
military officials, and that Moscow civilians engaged in approved "sporting 
freezing" and suffering from severe frostbite or other serious cold-related 
illnesses or injuries should merely call 1-800-L.L.-BEAN and say, "Send 
thin blanket-skis and thin parka-skis, muy pronto, s'il vous plait!"

Guest expressed additional concern that the cold winter which had 
"gripped" Moscow may have been equipped with a "pistol grip" in violation 
of the Cold Bill of 1994. BATF (Boris And Two Friends) agents are 
investigating. Guest commented that "cold violence" is a trend which big 
goverment can stop cold, and he raged that Moscow's sporting residents have 
no need for icicles to be in their possession. He added that most Moscow 
residents favor an across-the-board ban on freeze-pops, snow cones and 
other cold treats which have become the weapons of choice of Moscow's 
kold kiddie krew (kkk), a Russian "mini-militia" of pre-teens who have 
been wreaking havoc and extorting rubles from terrorized ice-cream vendors 
city-wide.

Guest is looking forward to convening a White House summit to combat 
"cold violence" when his ambassadors Ice-T and Ice Cube return from Russia. 
He assured media contacts that Sarah and Jim Brady would not be left out 
in the cold, that both of the Bradys would fight "cold violence" with 
every means at their disposal, including calling in researchers from 
"Cold Death Control" (CDC) to gather statistics about deaths attributed 
to "cold violence". (These statistics will include deaths from head colds 
and other upper respiratory infections and viruses where no Sudafed was 
available to ease congestion.)

"Six hundred died in Moscow last winter `assaulted' by the cold", said Guest.
"One death from `cold violence' is one too many", he added. Guest also 
mentioned that The Russian Association of Warm Police Officers (RAWPO) 
opposes the repeal of the 1994 Cold Bill which restricts the wearing of 
warm, protective clothing to Russian police officers and military personnel. 
Siberian Police Chief Iyama Deskofisa commented, "I do not want my officers 
to be out-warmed by civilians who have no need to be as warm as police. 
It's an officer safety issue." HCI President Guest pledged to work with 
U.S. clothing manufacturers to insure that really warm winter clothing 
will be exported only to Russian police and military forces and not to 
civilian peasants who are freezing in the streets. He commented, "Hey, 
what the heck, we consider `trying to survive in cold weather' as a 
legitimate `sporting activity', but we have advised Russian police to 
deal harshly with any babushkas seen `pistol gripped' by the cold. Why, 
next, Russians will be complaining that the cold is slicing through them 
like a `bayonet'. Such seditious talk Boris Yeltsin should never, ever 
tolerate. Bill Clinton certainly would not." Guest assured Boris Yeltsin 
that combatting "cold violence" would become one of the United Nations' 
highest priorities.

Christopher C. Ferris
Litchfield NH
[ferris c c] at [mainstream.net]