Newsgroups: alt.comics.alternative From: [k--l--s] at [cicero.spc.uchicago.edu] (Kyles Smith) Subject: Rob Liefeld: The Ed Wood of Comics Date: Sun, 9 Oct 1994 02:59:51 GMT I am writing this here since all the readers of rec.arts.comics.misc are lame. Frankly, I think we should consider "Youngblood" alternative. You see, if you go back and read your copies (don't deny that you bought them), they are incredibly entertaining in ways that Ol' Rob couldn't have dreamed of. They are good because they are so bad. For example, everybody open your Youngblood #2 to the first page. We shall follow the fun! Page One: Who are these people? Twelve characters were introduced in the first issue and none of these are them. It's like Liefeld knew on a subconscious level that the first issue was really bad and that he should start over. Pay close attention to the witty dialogue. It's a big ol' fightin' scene! Page Two: Panel 1: See that the Wolverine knock-off is wearing pants. This becomes important later. Panel 2: Wolverine knock-off is hovering about ten feet in the air. Either that or he's gotten reeeeeeeal big. Panel 3: The woman hero (who happens to be wearing more chrome than a '59 Buick) is weilding a car fender as a weapon, which fits in nicely with the Buick comparison. Panel 4: It seems that the big grey guy doesn't talk. Thank God. Page Three: Panel 1: At a lull in the battle, three of our heroes put their head together reeeeeeal close and ponder our next hero entering the scene. (And two of them seem to have the mutant ability to move tattoos and eyepatches on their bodies at will.) Panel 2: Kirby! The man with the most technologically advanced suspenders in the world! In his mouth is a carrot. Panel 3: It seems that putting heads together is a bad habit for this team. The tattoo has moved again. Panel 4: The only original idea about this team... every member has really bad posture. Page Four: Big Panel: "It has been foretold. The prophecy will not come to pass." What? Heh? This must be a new use of the word "prophecy" that I'm unaware of. And does this red guy have knees? He certainly has the biggest thighs in comic history. Page Five: Green eyes, no pupils. Grumpy. Yep, this is a Liefeld comic all right. Say, I wonder when Youngblood is going to show up... Page Six/Seven: Oh there they are! You can tell they are the good guys because they have really good posture. ("You know Rob, Marvel might sue you." "No they won't! I'll give him purple hair and purple spandex and he won't look ANYTHING like Shatterstar!") Pay attention to the white guy with the red shoulders. By the end of the comic book you'll love him. In this panel, he does nothing. Page Eight: Does ANYONE have pupils in this comic? Panel 2: Looks like Liefeld was drawing a naked eunuch there. Thank God the colorist caught it. Panel 5: WOW! This guy must be the world's savior! Just look at that posture! Page Nine: Panel 1: Hey it's the white guy with the red shoulders again. He does nothing. Yay! And check out the blue guy. It looks like if he'd lift his arms real quick, he'd skewer his head with those shoulder thingies. Panel 4: Cat-guy gets self-righteous. "I will do my job as an escort for this man's property, but I loathe the fact his work will be exploited and exposed." Now let's knock some heads, Cat-guy. Page Ten: Panels 4,5: The deeply emotional Cat-guy decides to screw with the aforementioned property. Should he stop? "No way! We're Youngblood." Page Eleven/Twelve: Nobody has pupils, but everyone has different colored eyes. Notice that the awakened purple guy is only walking. Page Thirteen: Ooops! It seems that walking is a great afront to the Youngblood guys. Deep self-righteous Cat-guy attacks him for no reason. And Hey! the purple guy now has green pupils! (to offset the green white-of-his-eye). Panel 5: I don't want to know where the blue skewer- shoulder guy pulled the stick from. Page Forty: Panel 1: Blue guy goes strapless! The colorist saves the day again! Panel 3: Oh-oh. Purple-guy's pupils are gone again. He must be REALLY pissed. "Your defeat at my hands will become all too familiar to you!" What? He's going to beat him up over and over again? Page Fifteen-hundred: Panel 1: "But it is the matter of your emminent defeat that should concern you now, Prophet!" What? His defeat will be famous and well-respected? Panel 3: "The beginning of my existance means an end to yours, disciples!" Now come on, there is no excuse for bad spelling. Page Sixteen thousand: Alright! Here comes the rest of Youngblood to continue this senseless battle! Page Seventeen million: Panel 1: This woman must get a lot of water in those boots. Panel 3: Mr. Neanderthal has pupils AND exactly 32 teeth, but that is counting that big wide one on top. Page Eighteen to Nineteen trillion: Panel 1: Man, Liefeld just can't draw profiles, can he? Okay, Youngblood is soooooo tough that it takes the entire team to beat up one guy who didn't do anything in the first place. I think Liefeld was picked on a lot as a kid, don't you? By the way, the white guy with red shoulders is there doing nothing. YAY! Page twenty kajillion: Great! A bunch of robots appear on the scene FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!! Panel 2: Whose chin is that? I hope it isn't the white guy with red shoulders. I was beginning to like him. Page twenty-oh-God-when-will-this-be-over-one: Big four-armed robot says "We are the disciples of doom. Resistance is futile. You will be defeated." At least Liefeld doesn't try to be complicated. "You will be assimilated. You will be assimilated." Rob watches too much Star Trek. Page Thank-Heaven-It's-Over: It's those guys from the beginning! It's Wolverine knock-off! It's Buick woman! It's Techno-Suspender Man! It's silent big grey guy! It's Ineffectual Hover woman! And Tatto-Moving I-Have-More-Pouches-Than-Allowed-By-Law Man! And to top it all off, Mr. Wolverine clone is, except for shoulder pads and bracelets, totally naked. Everything I wrote about is entirely true. Check it out yourself. These comics were soooooo bad, they were good. If you got rid of your copy, buy another one. If someone tries to charge more that a quarter for it, explain to them their place in this world. Do it slowly, and succinctly, and they will pay you to take it. Have fun! Kyle T. Smith