From: [d--o--d] at [pomona.edu] (Dave Good)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Subject: Alas poor rac*, for I knew it well
Date: Thu, 02 May 1996 17:45:14 +0000

   Originally, I just did this for my own amusement.  But I am leaving you
all, and I will miss you.  I figured there was no better way to end my
four years here than to piss everyone off.  So, here goes.  

                                 RAC* WARS

   It is a dark time for the Rebellion.  After several heavy losses, the
Evil Empire has hatched a plan to destroy the fabric of rac-ality.  We
join our heroes (and enemies?) trying to figure out just what this plan
is.  

   Mike Chary: "Oh, no!  What are we going to do to?  What are we going to
do to stop this vile plan?"
   Elayne:  "Well, if this really is a vile plan, and I'm not saying it
is, and we want to stop it, which I'm not saying we do, we could send my
minions out to do research, but I'm not necessarily saying we *should* do
that."    
   Patman: "Well, I think the fabric of rac-ality has already been screwed
up pretty hardcore.  The signal to noise ratio has never been lower
than--"
   Christine:  "It's so like you to not answer the question.  You are so
sensitive."
   Gustavus: "Comic books have made men really sensitive.  I read
Strangers in Paradise and it made me hypersensitive.  Sometimes I actually
cry now."
   Johanna: "Well, at least you aren't a woman.  Imagine living in a world
where women are raped and shot on sight."
   damon: "women aren't raped and shot on sight, Johanna.  your argument
is specious."
   Johanna:  "Damon, men are the supreme oppressors of everyone.  If you
don't agree with me, I have no interest in discussing this with you
further."
   Dave Good:  "Oh no you don't!  Explain!  What do you mean by that?"
   Johanna:  "No.  I refuse to explain it."
   Dave Good:  "So you are just going to call us supreme oppressors and
not tell us why we are or how we can change ourselves or your opinion?"
   Johanna: "Oh no, I'm not going to be a target for you, Dave.  Men are
oppressors.  If you don't believe me, you are naive.  And if you talk
about your thesis one more time, I'm gonna--"
   Dave Good: "Why are we naive?"
   Elayne: "Well, what I think Johanna was trying to say, and I'm sure she
will correct me, and I'm not saying this myself, is that you are naive."  
   Johanna:  "Don't try to trap me with my own words, Dave."
   damon: "this is a stupid conversation anyway.  i'm leaving."
   Dave Good: "Oh, yeah.  This *is* silly.  Sorry, Johanna."  
   Johanna: "No big deal.  And with that, I'm outta here."
   Elayne: "I like to consider you my friend, Johanna.  I am sorry to see
you go.  But if that is what you must do, I will support your decision. 
'It's not nice or sane, but it's part of what makes us human.' --Red
Grange"  
   Kevin Maroney: "Getting back to the plot against rac, I think it has
something to do with the Augie/Scott McMahan connection.  They are the
outspoken fans of Image here, and I have never seen the two of them in the
same place at the same time.  I think we all know what I'm talking about. 
It has to do with grassy knolls, defective o-rings, Decepticons,
Onslaught, Zero Hour, and syringes in cans of sody pop."  
   Jim Smith: "Why doesn't anyone ever think *I'm* the plot against racm?"
   Patman: "Kevin, there is no way in hell that it's Scott McMahan, you
stupid fuck."
   Kal El, Jr.: "What does fuck mean?"
   Kevin: "Patman, c'mon.  There's no reason for language like that. 
There's a little bit of evidence.  What's YOUR theory?"
   Patman: "Haha.  YHBT!!"
   Talon: "Well, at least Kevin doesn't think it's *me* for once.  Thank God." 
   Jim Cowling: "Oh, there you religious fanatics go again!  I'm outta here."
   Christine: "Bye, Jammed Boweling."
   Talon: "Shut up, Cunt Tina.  If you need help, I got something I can
stick in your mouth.  Hrm.  I forgot it's even smaller than some people
here think.  Damn. I need something a LOT bigger."
   Christine: "Did you hear anything?  *I* sure didn't!  And what's this
little thing in my mouth!  Pfeh!  I don't see you Rick, I can't hear you,
either!  [starts singing] Ohhhhh say can you see, by the dawn's early
light!"
   Talon:  "Ohhhhhkaaaaay. . . Jim, do you have some Superman comics I can
shove in Christine's mouth?"
   Tom Galloway: "I am *really* out of here this time."
   Jim Smith: "Actually, I used all my old Superman comics for birdcage
liner.  But it's not what you think.  It wasn't so Krypto the Kanary would
shit on them.  My doctor told me I should put Krypto to sleep, but he
wanted $100 to do it.  I figured, hey, I can do it for a few bucks with
some Superman comics!"
   Christine: "Bye, Tim Gulloway!"
   Dave Good: "Christine, I really don't understand why you think changing
the spelling of people's names is so funny."
   Christine: "You admit it!  You never understand my posts!"
   Dave Good: "That's not what I said, I was trying to ask why--"
   Christine: "What so PROOUUUUUUUUDLLY we hailed!"
   Mike Chary:  "Why are there so many damn Daves?"
   David van Domelen: "Don't ask me, I just review here."
   Dave Good: "You say that like it's a bad thing."
   Dave Eppley: "Why are there so many damn Mikes?"
   David Henry: "Why are there so few Rogues?"
   Robraza:  "Your a racist bastard, Jim.  You put your bird too sleep
reading about white superheroes instead of black superheroes.  Remember
that post where you said, 'I sure am glad I didn't put him to sleep
reading about Steel.  That would have sent him straight to hell, where all
black people are'?  You remember that post, Razarob?"
   Razarob: "Yeah.  Jim is a racist."
   Mike Smith: "He's not a racist!  He isn't!"
   Jim Smith: "I'm not.  That post was a FAKE!"
   Elayne: "Now, I'm not saying I agree with Robraza and Razarob.  I just
think that maybe you guys could have posted a different post.  Don't get
me wrong.  I support your right to post.  I just don't think you guys
maybe went about it just the right way.  Anyway, how are you doing Jim? 
Last I heard, you were racing Kal El in the Pinewood Derby.  How's that
car coming?  I'm trying to get pregnant, you know."
   Patman: "Elayne, have you ever heard of e-mail?  Ah, what's the use. 
I'm outta here.  I've had more fun making sculptures out of earwax." 
   Todd VerBeek:  "Um, sorry to talk about comics here, guys, but I
thought Foot Soldiers was a good comic.  The heroes were well thought-out
and interesting."
   Dave Good: "Really?  I thought it sucked.  They never should have
printed it.  But remember, I'm incapable of saying positive things, and I
normally don't post in comics-related threads."
   Christine:  "Why do you care that it sucked?  SOMEBODY thought it was
good enough to publish.  That means your opinion doesn't matter, because
it *was* printed!  Why even discuss it?"  
   Elayne: "OHMIGOD!!!!  I'm pregnant!  And it seems I am going into labor
RIGHT NOW!  So I will be off rac* for awhile. . . best wishes, all!  I
think everyone here is really great."
   All: "Congratulations, Elayne!"
   Greg: "It's amazing how little changes here.  It's like a soap opera. .
. I can miss a whole year and still pick up where we left off!   Is there
an FoL thread anywhere?  Reminds me of issue #39 of Swamp Thing where he
married Imelda Marcos over and over again."  
   Abhijit: "Actually, Swamp Thing married Imelda Marcos in issue #42. 
You might be confusing it with Man-Thing #39, where Man-Thing marries Zsa
Zsa Gabor, or It Came from the Swamp #139, where the Thing That Came From
the Swamp smokes himself and hits on Nancy Reagan."  
   Dave Good: "Yey!  The thesis is done.  Hey. . . I feel nicer already! 
Christine, I'm sorry if you felt like I was singling you out, I just
disagreed with a lot of what you said.  It wasn't personal, I sw--"
   Christine: "By the twilight's last GLEEEEEEAAAAMING!"
   Dave Good:  "Sigh.  Racm used to be a lot of fun.  It isn't anymore. 
I'm graduating and I'm outta here.  
   Christine: "Good riddance, Dave Bad!  Wait. . . there's nobody left!

Five minutes pass.

   Christine: "You are all cowards!  COWARDS!  Damn.  I'm here all alone. 
Maybe I'll take Rick out of my killfile.  Nah, I'd just put him back in in
a flash."
   Elayne [pops her head in]: "I heard that!  Were YOU making fun of
Flash?   Don't make me sic my minions on you!  Wait.  There's nobody
here!  What the hell happened?"  
   Christine: "We were all trying to figure out what this new menace to
rac* was, but everybody left.  And we never figured out what the menace
was!"

THE END. . . for now. . . 
   
MORALS:   You can't have your rac* and eat it, too.  
          Christinely to bed and Christinely to rise makes rac repetitive,
pejorative, and lies.
          Killfiles are easy.  Comedy is hard.  
          It's not the size of the quote, it's the notion of the postin'.
          What do you get when you give a Smith a pen-Elayne for his
thoughts?  Change.
          Everything changes except for change itself.  And Christian
Viola's belief that Rob Liefeld's poopoo don't stink.  
          To anybody I didn't make fun of in this "parody": fuck you, you
suck.  I want everybody to feel included. 
          Racm is starting to suck hardcore.  

   I apologize for a) not including everyone who posts on racm.  There are
a lot of people out there that do not post very often.  Many of them post
only when they have something good to say.  Would that I could do that
myself.  Quantity does not equal quality.  b) a post that has absolutely
NOTHING to do with comics. c) ANYTHING in this post that seems to be
dividing people into groups.  I was trying to alienate everyone from
myself.  Nothing more.  

   And that, my dear friends, is it from me.  I will be offline for a week
or so and probably only do e-mail a few more times (it's harder to go cold
turkey on that than Usenet by just a tad).  I probably won't visit rac*. .
. this is my final post.  I thank those of you who have given me all the
laughs over the years and all of the great advice and commentary.  If it
wasn't for people here, I never would have bought Bone, Astro City, Stray
Bullets, Madman, or countless other great books.  Racm, despite its recent
problems (which I am gleefully contributing to), is a great source of
information, whether it be reviews or news.  Yeah, some of the news is
wrong, but the value of the small number of times it is right far
outweighs the times it is wrong, IMO.  
   By posting a goodbye message, I in no way claim to be a net.god, I am
not, nobody needs to bother telling me that.  I just am feeling
sentimental and I wanted to end with something that would make everyone
hate me for either making fun of them or wasting bandwidth.  Special
thanks to Rich Johnston and The Mystic Mongoose, integral members of  the
Paul Triumvirate.  And Patman for being, IMO, the most valuable
contributor to racm (even if the troll of Christine was overblown).  And
everybody fucking lighten up.  
   I wish the best to everyone, even those I don't always get along with
well.  And hell, I'll probably be back here sometime.  Watch for my comic
when I finally put it out.  Heh heh.  When next you hear of me, it will be
in the same breath of Alan Moore.  "You know that guy Dave Good? Think
Alan Moore.  Now think the furthest thing away from him."  

Later on.
-- 
Dave Good                                        [D--O--D] at [POMONA.EDU]
Killfiling is easy.  Comedy is hard.