Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 08:00:37 EDT
From: KARL M WIEBE <[K M WIEBE] at [ice.LakeheadU.Ca]>
Subject: (Fwd) The Expert Speaks!
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 14:57:10 -0800
From: [l--e] at [netserv.com] (Lee M. Hester)
Subject: The Expert Speaks!
LEE'S SOAPBOX
BY LEE HESTER
HOW TO GO BROKE BY PUTTING ON YOUR OWN CONVENTION
Ever go to a local comics convention and gape in amazement at everything
that appears to be happening all at once? Ever wonder how the organizers
get their brilliant ideas? Well, wonder no longer! Here are the closely
guarded secrets of the top convention organizers, revealed to the general
public for the first time! These are the sure fire, can't miss methods for
driving yourself to the poor house by putting on conventions!
1. Think carefully about what to call your convention. It is a time
honored tradition that convention organizers must choose the most
ridiculous name possible; this helps insure public ridicule . Don't
forget, it's a must to include the prefix ''CON'' in any title. Why? I
don't know; maybe it helps to describe what goes on at these events. Here
are some suggestions that you are free to use. Don't worry, I don't want
'em!
CON-Spiracy CON-Voluted
CON-Tiki CON-Gregate
CON-Vince (good if your name is Vincent) CON-Stantinople
CON-Sider the Source CON-Jugal Visitation
CON-Rad Hilton (Careful, they might sue) The Gentle Art of
CON-Versation CON-Gratulations! It's a FAN-boy! The Evening
CON-Stitutional
Utter CON-fusion
2. Pick a date that will be convenient for you, and will ensure the
cheapest possible rate at the site you have chosen. Many places are dying
to rent space out on Super Bowl Sunday, Easter, and Mother's Day.
3. Get guests that fulfill the following strict criterion --
a. They are ''local celebrities'' (they live nearby).
b. They are the ''new up and coming stars'' (nobody has ever heard
of them).
c. They will ''graciously donate their time'' (they will work for free).
4. Pick a location for your event that fulfills the following exacting
requirements --
a. It's ''reasonably priced'' ( it's cheap).
b. It's ''cozy'' (it's tiny and cramped).
c. It's in an ''exotic locale'' (it's miles from the nearest city, and
there is no available gas, fast food or decent lodging within 50 miles).
d. It has ''great pedestrian access'' (it has no parking).
e. It has a ''warm atmosphere'' (they've never even heard of air
conditioning).
f. It has ''specialized lighting'' (the lighting in the dealer's room is
just a tad shy of that found in a Black Hole). g. It has
''great panoramic views from the convention areas'' (which is up a flight
of stairs similar in length to those found in the Statue of Liberty) and
''old world charm'' (there are no elevators, so dealers must lug their
boxes up those same stairs).
i. There is a ''colorful local population'' eager to attend such an
event (the population of the area is made up chiefly of roving winos,
junkies, hookers, beggars, and rabid dogs).
j. It's ''very reasonably priced'' (it's REAL cheap)!
Remember that the true dealer wants to be challenged! Don't let them down
by being too easy on them!
5. Spend no more than 5 minutes working on your flyers. Use neighborhood
kids to do the layout and artwork. If the they won't work for free, just
cannibalize someone else's flyer. Don't forget to cross out the other
guy's information and write in yours to avoid possible confusion.
6. You will really have +em showing up in droves if you advertise that you
are giving out valuable door prizes. Just don't tell them that you'll be
giving out free New Universe comics.
7. Print up a few little dealers rules that everyone must follow on
penalty of torture and expulsion. This way you'll look like you know what
you are doing. Here are a few guidelines --
a. All dealers must have a resale license, and a fishing license.
b. No smoking, eating or drinking allowed , unless they brought enough to
share with everyone.
c. No flyers or business cards may be given out. Heaven forbid that they
should try to use your convention to help promote their stores.
d. No adult material,not even behind the table, under a drop cloth,
locked in a safe that only you as convention organizer have the
combination to.
e. No cardboard boxes on tables. They're sooo unsightly.
f. No wall displays over 5 feet tall (since that's how high the ceiling
is).
g. Each dealer's helper must pay full admission.
h. All dealers must arrive at least three hours before the show opens to
set up. Failure to do so will result in table reservations being
canceled.
i. Nobody leaves until we say you can.
8. Put your own tables right by the door to undercut the dealers who are
paying good money for their tables. Hang big banners claiming your prices
are the lowest in the room.
9. Promise every dealer wall space, but crowd them together in the middle
of the room; about two feet of space behind each table should be
sufficient. All the choice wall space is of course reserved for you!
Dealers who gave you grief the last time around about the location of their
tables can be given space out back by the site cafeteria's festering meat
reclamation dumpsters.
10. Even though your dealers must show up three hours before the
convention opens (see #7h above), you as the convention organizer can show
up when ever you want. After all, you don't need much time to set up your
merchandise. As a real professional, all you need is a few minutes.
11. Make the rounds first thing in the morning to coerce dealers into
buying tables for future shows. Tell them about the huge lines of fans
waiting to get in as you speak; make them think that they will miss out if
they don't sign up now. Don't wait until later on in the day when they see
that nobody has shown up to the con. By then they will already all be paid
in full. Demand cash!
12. Make all attendees wait in long lines and fill out endless survey
forms before they can get in; this will add to the anticipation. Hire an
old lady to handle the registration. That 97-year-old neighbor of yours
who is hard of hearing, hates crowds, hates kids, hates comics, hates kids
who collect comics, and especially hates you should be perfect!
13. Hire Hell's Angels or ex-cons to watch the door. Give them absolute
authority to throw out anyone who does not have the proper badge, correct
hand stamp, secret handshake, and pass word. Hey, it worked at Altamont!
14. Make sure to use the public address system at full volume to make
''important announcements'', such as who won that NM copy of Nightmaster
#1, what the score for the playoffs game is, and how much money people can
save by shopping at your tables instead of those of the other dealers.
Make them every five minutes. Make sure to yell, so everyone can hear you,
and use funny voices; your Hulk impression will convulse them!
15. Panel discussions are a stimulating and informative part of any
convention. Try the following burning topics:
a. If Thor and Hulk teamed up to fight Wolverine and Thing, who would
win?
b. Between She-Hulk and Power Girl, who has the biggest hooters?
c. Where do the seams go on super-hero costumes since you never see them?
d. Could a classic artist like Van Gogh make it at Image Comics?
16. Film and video rooms are becoming a popular part of the convention
going experience. Choose a variety of films that will appeal to a wide
range of viewers. What this often amounts to is whichever videos you can
rent for free from the local library. Set up your monitor and player in a
naturally dark environment; a little used hallway will do if you can't find
a dark enough corner in your dealers room.
17. Make sure to set up a ''snack and beverage'' bar at one end of the
room. Having food and drink available on the spot will prevent ravenous
fans from leaving your convention, probably never to return (remember, you
are 50 miles from the nearest fast food joint). Day old donuts and bagels,
stale chips, flat sodas, and lukewarm, weak coffee should do you just fine.
And don't forget to charge ''reasonable'' prices; about triple what they
charge at sporting events should be right.
18. Since you were so generous with your set-up time, the dealers should
have no problem packing up and clearing out of the dealers room in fifteen
minutes flat. Inform them in no uncertain terms, using that wonderful
public address system, that any items left in the room at the end of the
fifteen minutes become your property. This includes fixtures, handcarts,
comics, and any helpers left to guard them.
19. Get each of your guest artists to contribute an original piece of
artwork for a ''benefit'' auction. Comics fans can be a generous lot and
once caught up in the frenzy of an auction, can shell out big bucks for
some truly mediocre artwork. The best part -- the auction is to benefit
your wallet!
20. Always remember that when any females, whether dealers or fans, show
up, they do so just to catch a glimpse of the genius behind the convention.
When one catches your eye, be sure to grin lasciviously, wink, maybe drool
a little to show your interest. Don't be alarmed if she backs away from
you; she's simply too stunned by the attention of someone as important as
yourself to respond as she would like. Give her time to compose herself,
then try again. Remember, she may just be a bit shy.
--
Lee's Comics, Inc. Lee M. Hester, President 2nd Store location:
3783 El Camino Real 2222 S. El Camino Real
Palo Alto, CA 94306 Store Hours San Mateo, CA 94403
(415) 493-3957 7 days 10:00am to 9:00pm (415) 571-1489