Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 08:00:37 EDT From: KARL M WIEBE <[K M WIEBE] at [ice.LakeheadU.Ca]> Subject: (Fwd) The Expert Speaks! Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 14:57:10 -0800 From: [l--e] at [netserv.com] (Lee M. Hester) Subject: The Expert Speaks! LEE'S SOAPBOX BY LEE HESTER HOW TO GO BROKE BY PUTTING ON YOUR OWN CONVENTION Ever go to a local comics convention and gape in amazement at everything that appears to be happening all at once? Ever wonder how the organizers get their brilliant ideas? Well, wonder no longer! Here are the closely guarded secrets of the top convention organizers, revealed to the general public for the first time! These are the sure fire, can't miss methods for driving yourself to the poor house by putting on conventions! 1. Think carefully about what to call your convention. It is a time honored tradition that convention organizers must choose the most ridiculous name possible; this helps insure public ridicule . Don't forget, it's a must to include the prefix ''CON'' in any title. Why? I don't know; maybe it helps to describe what goes on at these events. Here are some suggestions that you are free to use. Don't worry, I don't want 'em! CON-Spiracy CON-Voluted CON-Tiki CON-Gregate CON-Vince (good if your name is Vincent) CON-Stantinople CON-Sider the Source CON-Jugal Visitation CON-Rad Hilton (Careful, they might sue) The Gentle Art of CON-Versation CON-Gratulations! It's a FAN-boy! The Evening CON-Stitutional Utter CON-fusion 2. Pick a date that will be convenient for you, and will ensure the cheapest possible rate at the site you have chosen. Many places are dying to rent space out on Super Bowl Sunday, Easter, and Mother's Day. 3. Get guests that fulfill the following strict criterion -- a. They are ''local celebrities'' (they live nearby). b. They are the ''new up and coming stars'' (nobody has ever heard of them). c. They will ''graciously donate their time'' (they will work for free). 4. Pick a location for your event that fulfills the following exacting requirements -- a. It's ''reasonably priced'' ( it's cheap). b. It's ''cozy'' (it's tiny and cramped). c. It's in an ''exotic locale'' (it's miles from the nearest city, and there is no available gas, fast food or decent lodging within 50 miles). d. It has ''great pedestrian access'' (it has no parking). e. It has a ''warm atmosphere'' (they've never even heard of air conditioning). f. It has ''specialized lighting'' (the lighting in the dealer's room is just a tad shy of that found in a Black Hole). g. It has ''great panoramic views from the convention areas'' (which is up a flight of stairs similar in length to those found in the Statue of Liberty) and ''old world charm'' (there are no elevators, so dealers must lug their boxes up those same stairs). i. There is a ''colorful local population'' eager to attend such an event (the population of the area is made up chiefly of roving winos, junkies, hookers, beggars, and rabid dogs). j. It's ''very reasonably priced'' (it's REAL cheap)! Remember that the true dealer wants to be challenged! Don't let them down by being too easy on them! 5. Spend no more than 5 minutes working on your flyers. Use neighborhood kids to do the layout and artwork. If the they won't work for free, just cannibalize someone else's flyer. Don't forget to cross out the other guy's information and write in yours to avoid possible confusion. 6. You will really have +em showing up in droves if you advertise that you are giving out valuable door prizes. Just don't tell them that you'll be giving out free New Universe comics. 7. Print up a few little dealers rules that everyone must follow on penalty of torture and expulsion. This way you'll look like you know what you are doing. Here are a few guidelines -- a. All dealers must have a resale license, and a fishing license. b. No smoking, eating or drinking allowed , unless they brought enough to share with everyone. c. No flyers or business cards may be given out. Heaven forbid that they should try to use your convention to help promote their stores. d. No adult material,not even behind the table, under a drop cloth, locked in a safe that only you as convention organizer have the combination to. e. No cardboard boxes on tables. They're sooo unsightly. f. No wall displays over 5 feet tall (since that's how high the ceiling is). g. Each dealer's helper must pay full admission. h. All dealers must arrive at least three hours before the show opens to set up. Failure to do so will result in table reservations being canceled. i. Nobody leaves until we say you can. 8. Put your own tables right by the door to undercut the dealers who are paying good money for their tables. Hang big banners claiming your prices are the lowest in the room. 9. Promise every dealer wall space, but crowd them together in the middle of the room; about two feet of space behind each table should be sufficient. All the choice wall space is of course reserved for you! Dealers who gave you grief the last time around about the location of their tables can be given space out back by the site cafeteria's festering meat reclamation dumpsters. 10. Even though your dealers must show up three hours before the convention opens (see #7h above), you as the convention organizer can show up when ever you want. After all, you don't need much time to set up your merchandise. As a real professional, all you need is a few minutes. 11. Make the rounds first thing in the morning to coerce dealers into buying tables for future shows. Tell them about the huge lines of fans waiting to get in as you speak; make them think that they will miss out if they don't sign up now. Don't wait until later on in the day when they see that nobody has shown up to the con. By then they will already all be paid in full. Demand cash! 12. Make all attendees wait in long lines and fill out endless survey forms before they can get in; this will add to the anticipation. Hire an old lady to handle the registration. That 97-year-old neighbor of yours who is hard of hearing, hates crowds, hates kids, hates comics, hates kids who collect comics, and especially hates you should be perfect! 13. Hire Hell's Angels or ex-cons to watch the door. Give them absolute authority to throw out anyone who does not have the proper badge, correct hand stamp, secret handshake, and pass word. Hey, it worked at Altamont! 14. Make sure to use the public address system at full volume to make ''important announcements'', such as who won that NM copy of Nightmaster #1, what the score for the playoffs game is, and how much money people can save by shopping at your tables instead of those of the other dealers. Make them every five minutes. Make sure to yell, so everyone can hear you, and use funny voices; your Hulk impression will convulse them! 15. Panel discussions are a stimulating and informative part of any convention. Try the following burning topics: a. If Thor and Hulk teamed up to fight Wolverine and Thing, who would win? b. Between She-Hulk and Power Girl, who has the biggest hooters? c. Where do the seams go on super-hero costumes since you never see them? d. Could a classic artist like Van Gogh make it at Image Comics? 16. Film and video rooms are becoming a popular part of the convention going experience. Choose a variety of films that will appeal to a wide range of viewers. What this often amounts to is whichever videos you can rent for free from the local library. Set up your monitor and player in a naturally dark environment; a little used hallway will do if you can't find a dark enough corner in your dealers room. 17. Make sure to set up a ''snack and beverage'' bar at one end of the room. Having food and drink available on the spot will prevent ravenous fans from leaving your convention, probably never to return (remember, you are 50 miles from the nearest fast food joint). Day old donuts and bagels, stale chips, flat sodas, and lukewarm, weak coffee should do you just fine. And don't forget to charge ''reasonable'' prices; about triple what they charge at sporting events should be right. 18. Since you were so generous with your set-up time, the dealers should have no problem packing up and clearing out of the dealers room in fifteen minutes flat. Inform them in no uncertain terms, using that wonderful public address system, that any items left in the room at the end of the fifteen minutes become your property. This includes fixtures, handcarts, comics, and any helpers left to guard them. 19. Get each of your guest artists to contribute an original piece of artwork for a ''benefit'' auction. Comics fans can be a generous lot and once caught up in the frenzy of an auction, can shell out big bucks for some truly mediocre artwork. The best part -- the auction is to benefit your wallet! 20. Always remember that when any females, whether dealers or fans, show up, they do so just to catch a glimpse of the genius behind the convention. When one catches your eye, be sure to grin lasciviously, wink, maybe drool a little to show your interest. Don't be alarmed if she backs away from you; she's simply too stunned by the attention of someone as important as yourself to respond as she would like. Give her time to compose herself, then try again. Remember, she may just be a bit shy. -- Lee's Comics, Inc. Lee M. Hester, President 2nd Store location: 3783 El Camino Real 2222 S. El Camino Real Palo Alto, CA 94306 Store Hours San Mateo, CA 94403 (415) 493-3957 7 days 10:00am to 9:00pm (415) 571-1489