*Creature of the Net*
                           
         I was feeling done in (couldn't win)
         I'd only ever kissed before.
         I thought, there's no use getting into Heavy Petting.
         It only leads to sorrow and seat wetting...

Donna Barr. Scott McCloud. Will Eisner. Barb Rausch.
Stars _everywhere_.

Touch _me_!

I dropped off a copy of the California Business and
Professional Code to Scott McCloud--the part that
defines comic books, and horror books in particular.
Scott is pushing his new mini-comic, which has no
appearances by _Zot!_; is nothing like _Understanding
Comics_; and says so in big, bold, bloody letters ten
feet tall on the cover.

"Do you know who that man was?" she asked the young
consumer on the other side of the booth as *Will
Eisner* walked out of the exhibitors' hall. Part of the
trinity: The Father. (Along with Scott McCloud and
Marge Simpson, the three in one.)

There's an Independent's Pavilion _and_ a Small Press
Area. At *Jim Drew's* _Ciao!_ booth, (which grossed an
incredible $12.00 by noon), Peter Coogan was
emphasizing the ghetto aspect by forcing netizens to
wear stickers announcing their addiction.

Jim transfers a hello to Barb Rausch via me. He is
currently chained to his booth. Barb talks a bit about
Barbi. Barbara Slate, creator of _Angel Love_ is now
writing stories for Barbi as well. That's three Barbs.
Will there be a team-up with Barb Wire? "She looks like
a fun character, and the artwork is very good." I'm
going to have to take another look at the Dark Horse
Comic-Con book. And stop making bad jokes like that.
Barb (Rausch) also did some paper dolls for the _1994
Souvenir Book_. I'm going to have to be very careful or
I'll end up a paper doll and Barbi fanatic. I'm already
buying _Shanda the Panda_. The shame of it all!
Fortunately, the few seconds I managed to take to
glance at the latest _Barbi_ indicates that Barb Slate
is not including the same style of humor that she used
in _Angel Love_. Every time I go to these stupid
conventions, I end up buying the latest issue of
_Barbi_ after talking with Barb Rausch. Why can't she
do paper dolls for _Spawn_, or _Cerebus_? (Hey, how
about _Bone_?)

Howard Byer tells me that all of the comic companies
are experiencing sales problems. Donna Barr later
characterized it as "the small publishers used to grab
for the scraps left by the wolves. Now the wolves are
fighting it out among themselves for the scraps." I
want to be dirty!

*Rumiko Takahashi* is hot stuff. Viz and Capital City
are limiting the _Ranma 1/2_ author's autograph session
to 100 autographs--total--with 25 tickets given
Thursday and Friday, and 50 on Saturday.


*Comics and Political Correctness*

"If you're going to show someone as a stereotype,"
*Donna Barr* said, "show just a hint of why they're
that way." So why _is_ the Desert Peach tall and blond?
"You're just doing this as an excuse to show men in
tight riding breaches," someone complained. "Of course.
Why else?" Thrill me!

*Kim Thompson* is finding it harder to offend people.
R. Crumb's _Niggers Take Over the World_ generated
hardly a huff at Weirdo.

In the audience, Rush Limbaugh complained about the
dangers of the PC movement. "These people," he said,
are just looking for stuff to blow up at.

"The stuff that's scary is the stuff that doesn't
intend to offend", according to Terry Laban. Things
that are meant to be racist tell us about the author.
Things that aren't tell us about ourselves and our
society.

Rush Limbaugh's ideological son called them the
"Ideological Daughters of Frederick Wertham". I'll be
taking membership applications when the con's over.

"The people who don't like the depiction of busty women
in comics are always flat-chested and fat." saith Mike
Pascal, to no complaint. Indeed, it really _is_ hard to
offend people these days. "You can have more black
superheroes, and more gay superheroes, but I don't
think we'll have more fat superheroes," prophesied
Terry Laban.

Donna Barr raised hymns to _True Romance_,
wonderfully acted, horribly bloody, and wonderfully
romantic. Donna was extremely enamored of the
corkscrew, the lighter, and the hairspray. The shotgun
was merely a _denou(e')ment_. Chill me!

And the film crew has a taste for Glocks. Thumbs up!

*Romper Room with Donna Barr*

Jim Drew sent a "hello" through another netizen. The
chains haven't loosened.

"Does anyone here _not_ know me?"

One person actually raises his hand. "I'm just here
with a friend. What is it you do?"

"Desert Peach."

"Oh, you do that? I thought you were a guy."

To everyone's laugh, she responds: "Better than some
things I get: 'Oh, I thought you were a _gay_ guy.'"

Donna Barr and Roberta Gregory are discussing starting
a co-op to push their work, possibly even publish it.
Distributors are currently having problems, and are
becoming less able and willing to deal with the small
stuff. (I thought the Peach was hung like a horse?)
She's appreciative of the use of the Electronic Gossip
System (the Internet) by her fans to get the word out
about her.

The Barr Girls are already out, in _ABomb #2_ and _#3_,
from Antarctic. "We were hoping you'd bring the caliber
of the comic up", they said to her after she commented
on the quality of the compilation.

"When an agent says 'we're going to coffee', you know
it's serious. Because then they're sober."

Everything she writes is either something that's
happened to her or that she's read about. The Peach &
Rosen? "You don't _want_ to hear about my sex life. You
_read_ about it."

The audience "had a great time at the Desert Peach
Musical. Especially at the end when I told the actors
to trash it."

The actor who played runty Erwin Rommel was 6'4". Tall,
aryan Pfirsich was 5'7". "So we just swapped the height
jokes." She was _always_ trying to get Erwin to miss
his cue. He _never_ missed his cue. He'd come out to
the backstage area, do his little walk around the
stage, grab a swig of peppermint schnapps from the
table, and walk out onto stage, on cue.

This time, he came out to the backstage area and did
his little walk around the stage. Pfirsich, Udo, and
Winzig were wrapped up nude spreading body parts
everywhere. He sucked in some schnapps and held it in
his mouth. Gave each of them a big wet kiss of
peppermint. Swallowed. And walked out on stage.

Right on cue.

Craig Kozeluh led the entire group in a stirring
rendition of _Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer_ at
the order of Officer Barr. Anyone wanting a tape should
not contact me. I will be erasing it as _soon_ as
possible.

There is a somewhat better chance of seeing a new
Desert Peach musical as there is of seeing an Eisner
Award without Jeff Smith.


*Comic Arts Conference*

Jim Drew finally let himself out of his cage at the
Small Press Area. The great thing about the Comics Art
Conferences is "fans, academics, and professionals all
working in the same mode."

At last year's Conference in San Diego, the big topic
was _Understanding Comics_. Shel Dorf doesn't _want_ to
understand comics. He wants to maintain his naivet(e').

At last year's Conference, Donna Barr was the
respondent for a history of the British undergrounds.
So, this year, she did a story about apes on opposite
sides of an ephemeral body of water. Peter Coogan said
"It was an interesting metaphor." But I don't think
he'd let his sister marry it.

The Conference will be switching from the presentation-
response system to a panel system, in order to
accomodate the professionals who make up the
_response_, which is really an academic system.

Robert C. Harvey's _The Art of the Funnies_ is out in
hardcover.

The main goal of the Conference is to "prevent the
walls, the ivory tower of academia, from growing around
the comics field." Yes, and I've got to plant in that
field, too, doc.

There is now a _sequential art_ major at the Savannah
School of Art & Design. Fulfill me!


*Comics Code in the Con Suite?*

No drugs are allowed at the con suite. All of the sodas
are stimulant free. What's a poor writer to do?

Don Simpson's _Megaton Man_ will be ten years old in
December, and to celebrate, Don is now self-publishing
under Fiasco Comics.

Shoptalk: For comics industry professionals. An APA.
Spec copies and back issues available for $6.00 each.
"To join send $20.00 and proof of published credits to
Steven R. Addlesee 852 E. 8475 S. Sandy, UT 84094."

New York Amateur Press Association: "NYAPA is a culture
APA with a potpourri of topics." Spec copies and back
issues are $3.00. "To join send $6.00 to Steven R.
Addlesee 852 E. 8475 S. Sandy, UT 84094."

I'll take _potpourri_ for one hundred, Bob.


*INKS*

Ohio State University is now producing a _serious
journal devoted to comics_, and Shel Dorf is pushing
it. The first issue of INKS came out in February.

R.C. Harvey's 2,000 page biography of the life of
Milton Caniff is still unpublished, but is archived at
the Cartoon and Graphic Arts Research Library at Ohio
State University.

R.C. Harvey _has_ published_The Art of the Funnies_,
covering the _Yellow Kid_ to _Calvin and Hobbes_.


*Cartoon Art Museum*

The Cartoon Art Museum is still at 665 Third Street in
San Francisco. Admission is $3.00.


*Attention Kmart Shoppers*

_Censorshi*_ a _zine for Mature Readers_, celebrates
the 40th anniversary of "Seduction of the Innocent" in
their second issue. Subscriptions ($8 for 4 and $15 for
eight) and sample copies ($2.00) are available from Fun
Times Publications, Mark Arnold, 1484 La Playa #105,
San Francisco, CA 94122.

The cover story is a review of _Seduction of the
Innocent_ and its effects on the comics industry,
written by Mark Arnold. Commentary (also by Mark
Arnold) includes an article on pulling single
installments of series off the air because their guest
star have taken a fall (in this case, Mike Tyson
appearing on _Webster_), and _The Top 25 Censored
Stories of 1993_, taken from Project Censored. Satire
on the back cover talked about music censorship and
Kurt Cobain's suicide.

In general _Censorshi*_ seems quite tame, and relies
solely on Mark Arnold, who is probably writing to too
wide a field. Such a publication could well find a
niche, however, and could be very useful in
disseminating information about censorship, if it were
to take a narrower focus and get a wider base of
journalists.


*Purchases*

_The Balance of Power_ is a new Desert Peach
cloisonn(e') pair from Mu/Aeon. It balances itself to
Yin or Yang depending on your own cosmic light.


*Plugs*

Alternative Press Expo II will be May 14, 1995 in San
Jos(e'). For more information, contact _Slave Labor
Graphics_, 979 S. Bascom Ave., San Jos(e'), CA 95128,
(408) 971-8929.


*Will Eisner Comic Industry Awards*

The 1994 Nominating Panel was Mark Askwith, producer of
_Prisoners of Gravity_, Mimi Cruz, Michael T. Gilbert,
of Mr. Monster fame, Barry Short, and Mark Yturralde.

And a man in the industry fifty years, announces
administrator Jackie Estrada, Mr. Will Eisner!

"Fifty years is a long time. I'm beginning to think I
haven't got much to show for it. Endurance is something
I think I'll leave to the doctors. Thank _you_ for the
enduring support."

"It's just like the academy awards," says Jackie. "We
have a series of presenters to present the awards."

Scott Shaw, does his presenting in the traditional
Hawaiian sunset. "Do they dress like this in the
Oscars? I hope not."

The winner of the _Best Humor Publication_ goes to Jeff
Smith, for _Bone_. "Thanks. Makes me very proud to be a
cartoonist working in the field of comic books today."
Which side are you on, Mr. Smith? Cartoonist or Comics?

The _Best Comics-Related Book_ is Scott McCloud's
_Understanding Comics_. Scott was at a book signing, so
his wife Ivy accepted it for him. "He's busy signing
books at this very moment. I know that Will Eisner is
more important to Scott than almost anybody I could
think of in the industry right now."

Roberta Gregory jumps up in, er, _casual_ dress. I
don't think they dress like _this_ in the Oscars
either. The _Best Penciller/Inker_  went to P. Craig
Russell for _The Sandman #50_. Craig was not here, so
Will accepted it for him. "Thank you very much
everybody."

_Best Colorist_ went to Steve Oliff and Rueben
Rude/Olyoptics, for _Spawn_. They're not there.  Will
steps up to bat. "Looks like I'm going to have to
accept it again. I'm going to have a very crowded wall,
I can tell you that."

Matt Wagner comes out on stage. Do they _shave_ like
this in the Oscars? He looks at the overhead display:
"Okay, get Spawn off of there." The _Best Short Story_
went to _The Amazing Colossal Homer_ from _Simpsons
#1_.

_Cerebus: Flight_ won _Best Reprint Graphic Album._
Neither Dave nor Gerhard were there, so Jeff Smith
accepted. Perhaps he was practicing. "I am very happy
to accept this for Dave, so thank you very much."

Jim Valentino, disguised as Dracul, presented the _Best
Comic Related Item_ award to the _Death Statue_. "The
award goes to the Death statue. They don't want us to
say who made them." Karen Berger accepted for the Death
Statue, who presumably wasn't there, either. She
promptly thanked Chris Bacchallo and--by name--the
other creators of the statue. So _there_, Jim.

Nominees for _Best Writer/Artist_ included Phil Foglio-
-"they actually found a page they could put up there"--
and Roberta Gregory. The award went to "the day's
favorite boy", Jeff Smith. "Thanks", he said, and left.

He came back.

"I shouldn't blow that off so quick, because some of
the other people listed there are _very_ good, and I
sweated that one out. Sorry, Roberta."

Suddenly Steve Oliff stole the stage away from Jackie
Estrada. He apologized profusely for being late, and
then thanked everyone for the _Spawn_ award. As he
left, Will summarized: "We just had a labor revolt
here." Actually, that would have required Dan Vado.

Mark Askwick came up and made fun of Will Eisner.
"You've been getting far too many adulations." Mark
presented the _Best Archival Collection_ award to _The
Complete Little Nemo in Slumberland_. It was accepted
by... nobody from Fantagraphics. Will stepped up for a
bit more wallpaper. "Well, I'll accept it for Windsor
McKay, who is a little older than I am."

In one-upsmanship worthy of Karen Berger's "Death
Statue" acceptance, he continued, and thanked Mark "For
producing probably one of the finest comic book related
shows. All the creators owe him a debt of gratitude."

_Best Writer_ went to Neil Gaiman, and was accepted by
Karen Berger. Neil "couldn't be here tonight. His wife
is having a baby any second." Sure. I'll bet he didn't
even try. (Congratulations, Neil!)

Karen Berger, presented _Best Publication Design_ to
Richard Starkens of Comicraft, for the _Marvels_ book.
"I'd just like to say a few thanks. Thank you to Ken
Bissette who came up with the acetate cover, and the
Eisner committee for giving me all the credit."

_Best Cover Artist_ went to Brian Bolland. "Brian can't
be here tonight because he's in England, so I'll accept
this for him." Sure. I'll bet _his_ wife was having a
baby too.

Michael Kaluta presented _Best Serialized Story_ to
Jeff Smith for _The Great Cow Race_. And he held him
there to force him to make a speech. "Actually, I'm
very nervious. This is getting to be overwhelming."
_Best Painter_ went to Alex Ross for _Marvels_.

Paul Chadwick described graphic albums as "delayed
gratification at its best". _Best New Graphic Album_
went to A _Small Killing_ by Alan Moore and Oscar
Zarate. David Scroggy, or some variation on him,
accepted in their stead, and thanked us "on behalf of
Alan and Oscar. Dark Horse is committed to bringing you
a wide range of the best material in the world, and
we're glad you agree. Thank you." Ah, but I don't see
Jeff in your fold.

_Best Letterer_ went to Todd Klein. "Thank you. It's
gratifying and a little embarassing to be nominated for
so many things. All I can say is its gratifying to work
with so many people who are inspiring. But there are
lots of other good things out there", and he went into
a praise rant for some Mike Royko character named Grats
Vesparino. "I'd like to urge those of you who can to
consider nominating him next year." I'll see what I can
find out about this "Grats" character tomorrow... If
anyone wants to fill me in on the secret of who "Grats"
is, and how you really spell its name before I make a
fool of myself in front of Todd tomorrow, well, tough.
I'm not reading my mail until the end of the con.

Maggie Thompson presented _Best Editor_, a tie, to
Karen Berger and Mike Carlin. "Thank you very much",
gushed Karen, "It's a real honor to receive this award,
especially since this covered last year, which was
Vertigo's first year as an imprint. I'd like to thank
the many writers and artists who make me look good. I'd
like to thank Jenette Kahn and Paul Levitz for giving
us the money and creative autonomy necessary for a
venture of this sort." _And don't either of you think
about changing your minds_.

_Best Anthology_ went to _Dark Horse Presents_ edited
by Randy Stradley.

Sergio Aragones presented (in Spanish) the _Continuing
Series_ award to... what was his name again? Jeff
Smith, for Bone. "No way. That's too much. Thank you
_very_ much." Get off the stage, Jeff.

"It was very, very well deserved." We know, Sergio, but
there's free food outside, and I'm half reporter. Let
him leave the podium.

_Best Limited Series_ went to _Marvels_ by Kurt Busiek
and Alex Ross. "There's a few people I'd like to thank.
Jeff Smith, for not doing a limited series, and
everybody else who did the stories that inspired us."

When presenter Matt Groenig first "started coming to
the Comic-Con oh, 15 years ago, I published my comics
as a little Xerox. I worked at a copy place... My
comics were so small that even the underground guys
wouldn't talk to me. With _Life in Hell_, the
underground guys would talk to me, but the pros still
wouldn't. Then, I got a little more success with the
Simpsons on Tracey Ullman. Then the pros would talk to
me and the underground guys wouldn't. Everybody has
been asking me if O.J. Simpson is going to be on the
Simpsons. We asked him last year. He was busy then,
he's very busy now.

_Best Single Issue_ nominees included "A Little
Knowledge, issue 100 of...100!? Issue 100 of Groo". It
went to _Batman Adventures: Mad Love_ by Paul Dini and
Bruce Timm. "My God, first time up to the plae, we hit
it out of the park." Modesty becomes you, Paul. "I'd
like to thank this guy, Paul Dini, for coming up with a
great story that pretty much illustrated itself." Now
_that's_ a trick. Better be careful, Bruce, if DC
figures this one out, you're history.

The _Eisner Awards Hall of Fame_ slots were filled by
Steve Ditko and Stan Lee. "Is there anyone here from
Marvel who can accept this? A Marvel representative?
_Anybody_ from Marvel? Don't be shy... Well, we will
accept for Stan, and make sure it gets to him over at
the Marvel booth, tomorrow."

"Will the winners please stay here, for a photo shoot,
we'd like to save the event for posterity. And would
the press please leave? There's free food out on the
Terrace."

Maggie Thopmson snuck up to the podium and asked
everyone to stay for just a moment, then awarded Jackie
Estrada with the CBG _Comics Ambassador Award._

Leaving Room 6A, I found an abandoned DC pin, the left
half smashed, cracks radiating out from the center. And
a Vertigo pin next to it, pristine.


*Adhesive Media, Inc*

Someone warned Todd Klein that I was looking for him.
He ducked out the side. No need to worry. He won't
escape me tomorrow. Peter Coogan brought me to the
Adhesive Media party under the auspices of Hogan's
Alley. Adhesive Media are the folks doing _eden.com_,
the Internet site for popular media and up-and-comers
in music, video, and comics. Aubrey and John are the
netheads. They've been trying to convince the comics
industry to get on-line. "Our job got a whole lot
easier since Aerosmith released their song on the
Internet. And even easier when DC and Marvel signed
exclusive contracts with America On-Line and
Compuserve. All the companies are scrambling and
scared."

There are rumors that these contracts are _tight_.
Everyone who works at DC can only use America On-Line.
Some of the creators--those who are already using and
familiar with another system--are "pissed".

The party was co-sponsored by MoJo Press, who are
coming out with a $25-$30 hardcover comic called _Weird
Business_, featuring "illustrated tales by" a whole
shitload of people I've never heard of, with the
exception of Ambrose Bierce (isn't he dead?), Nancy
Collins, Joe R. Lansdale, Omaha Perez (did George
finally marry the Cat-Dancer?), Edgar Allan Poe
(another dead writer, I wonder if any dead pencillers
or inkers will be resurrected?), and edited by Joe R.
Lansdale and Richard Klaw. "Experience a fantastic
fusion of comics and literature."

I'm in the con suite right now. There's a card game
going on directly behind me. And it's not _Magic: The
Gathering_. I feel a prayer of thanks coming on. But it
could be the caffeine. The con has re-thought their
prohibition of drugs.

You can scare small companies by telling them that the
Internet is the future of publishing. And the scarey
part is, it's true. Adhesive is putting tracks from
unsigned artists on _eden.com_. Cerebus the Gopher is
providing space for the _Comic Ground_. If you're an
aspiring comics creator--or even a working professional-
-and you want broader exposure, what more can you ask
for than the Internet? I've had hundrds of searches a
day come across _Comic Ground_. And, besides my own,
_one_ submission.

The card players are talking about dragons and wives.
Whatever they're playing, it ain't poker.

If you want to put samples of your comics-related work-
-whether you're an editor, publisher, creator, or
printer--get in touch with me. If you're familiar with
arcanum--uh oh, bad word, the card players look at me
with a hungry spark in their eyes--_computer junk_ such
as ftp, you can upload your sample yourself. If not,
you can e-mail me at [jerry] at [teetot.acusd.edu_], You can
even _mail_ me the sample at _Jerry Stratton, Academic
Computing, Serra Hall 188B, University of San Diego,
Alcala Park, San Diego, CA 92110_. The Internet is
still a pain in the ass to use. But it's a hell of a
lot easier than working in your dad's hardware store
for the rest of your life.

"And black lotus is number one, right?" The card
players are bubbling. Babbling. Perhaps the con made a
bad decision allowing drugs into the suite. I throw my
can of speed (48 mg) into the trash and rush into the
street.  As I leave the Hyatt, I hear someone commenting
on the convention: "I used to read DC Comics. I couldn't
make heads or tails of them." That’s your problem. You're
_supposed_ to make paper airplanes of them.

                              I'll put up no resistance
                              I want to go the distance
                              I've got an itch to scratch
                              I need assistance!
Jerry Stratton
[j--r--y] at [teetot.acusd.edu]
"Life is sweet, and memories fleet-- and the zuke
plants always need something to eat."--The Pump,
_Sludge #6_.