Date: Mon, 23 Jan 1995 11:59:16 -0500 From: [g--l--n] at [falcon.bgsu.edu] (Metroplex) Subject: FTP 514 (ver. 2.0) ==== FIT TO PRINT by cathrine yronwode for the week of December 26, 1994 This is the "official " ftp 514. It is comprised of a condensed verwion of the electronic versions of FTP 515 and 516. The reason for this was a decision at Krause Publications to have me shorten the material on Moebius, from two columns to one. The numbering is all screwy now. Don't worry. I'm not. -- cat THIS IS FIT TO PRINT NUMBER 514: The strangest Batman story ever told. The phone rings. You pick it up. It's Famous Pro #239, asking if you have seen it. "Seen what?" "Hang on, i'll fax it to you!" He does, and next thing you know, you have it and he's asking, "So, whaddaya think?" and darned if you do know what to think, but the longer you look at it, the more incredible it is, until finally you have to ask: "They...they commissioned this, right?" "Yep." "They aren't going to print it, are they?" "I don't know. Nobody knows." Oh, how i wish i could show it to you. But i can't. Yet, lest it vanish like the Cancelled Comics Cavalcade of yore, i'd like to describe it. Title: Batman by Moebius. Story: "Batman Against Depressman." Length: 8 pages. "The story start in 1942" as Batman applies a monkey wrench to what may be part of a boat. A sound effect reads "Bip Bip." A balloon announces "The Signal!" Batman opens a bedroom door, through which we see the unmistakable rear-view of a Beagle Boy (yes, a Beagle Boy, as in Carl Barks, as in Unca $crooge) pawing through a woman's vanity. The Beagle Boy is #227. Batman says, "I must win!" and "This time!" #227 holds aloft the famed pearl necklace (as in "Give me that necklace, Lady!"). Bat-man sits at a desk and demands that #227 talk to him. Instead, the Beagle Boy rips open his shirt, ala Clark Kent, exposing a cryptic symbol-a roll of paper towels or perhaps a can of early spring peas. A crowd of tiny onlookers appears behind him, exclaiming, "Oooh" and "Look!" The criminal calls for a time out, "in order to put on my special battle outfit." Batman says he is "pretty busy." (It occurs to me that this must read a lot like Harlan Ellison's description of Jingle Jangle Comics by George Carlsonx) The crook fumbles through a trunk and scatters clothes around. "Waf waf!" reads his thought balloon, "He is like all super heroes: too confident!" Batman ponders, "Why this woman's dress? Huh! Is he some kind of pervert? Or is it one of his shoddy tricks..." until the fiend turns around and says some-thing unsuitable for a family paper. "Ooh no! Mom!" responds the Caped Crusade. An Art Spiegleman-esque rat runs by (or is it Snowy the dog, from Herge's Tin Tin?), wear-ing a striped concentration camp uniform. The villain, now disguised as Batman's mom (if his mom looked like H. G. Peters' Wonder Woman) pokes a stick at the Dark Knight from off-panel. Batman sheds a tear. The villain vows to punish the hero, who is "nothing more than an animal." Batman sobs. On the wall behind "Mommy" is a black zig-zag stripe. "You know the punish-ment!" she yells, "Take off your pants." Batman pulls down his pants, revealing the body of a chubby child. His cowl is gone, his bat-ears are natural (like Man-Bat's), and the black zig-zag from the wall of the previous panel is now on his shirt, which turns him into himxyes! Charlie Brown, from Charles Schulz's Peanuts! The bad guy (now up lit like Liberty (as in "the Statue of")) canes Bruce-Charlie, yanks off his wig and dress, displays his 1940s women's underwear and declares that "Now. Batman is in a deep deep depression." Adult and in costume, the hero weeps, "Ooh Mommy! I love you so much! Why are you doing that to me? I didn't do nothing bad! Nothing!" At last the arch-fiend introduces himself: "Ha Ha Ha Meet Depressman, the greatest mass killer! King of all villains!" Depressman-Mommy beats bat eared Bruce-Charlie again: "I punish you because I hate you! You and your horribles EARS!" "Suddenly" (a Carl Barks caption!) a sad looking boy with bat ears imagines (in a big, puffy balloon) a visitation from Batman, who is accompanied by iconographic skyscrapers and the crescent moon. "Don't be afraid, Billy I am here," says the ethereal Detective. "Batman! My favorite hero!" cries the boy. Batman produces a plump, demure woman, dressed exactly like Depressman-Mommy, except that instead of a domino mask, she wears wire rim glasses. "I brought your better mother with me, Billy," says the hero. Well, far be it from me to give away the twist ending, but this is one story that can truly be said to have one! ==== Fit to Print appears in print each week in Comics Buyers Guide and is available via e-mail. Tell your friends! To subscribe to Fit to Print via e-mail send a request with the words "Subscribe FtP" in the subject header and your address in the body of the message to [g--l--n] at [bgnet.bgsu.edu.] You will be added to the list and receive the next available issue. Backissues are available. FTP to cerebus.acusd.edu and look in the Comics/About Comics/Comics News/Fit to Print directory. Responses are welcome and should be directed to [g--l--n] at [bgnet.bgsu.edu.] Fit to Print is Copyright 1994 Cathrine Yronwode. All rights reserved.