New York City Press Agency Groups Compete for Lunar Spices Bombing Props At least two organizations are claiming responsibility for Tuesday’s bombing of the Lunar Spices import offices in Portland, Columbia. Both organizations are protesting Lunar Spices’ “Evening Thunder” coca tea, introduced for the new “Divian” cocaine market. The North American Heritage Foundation called the product “an attack on Christian women by the radical left and the African lobby.” The Pan-American Coffee Bureau claimed that illegal bribery and monopolistic activities restricting coffee distribution in Columbia required immediate action, and called on the SEC to investigate irregularities in Lunar Spices’ relationship with the new Columbian government. SEC spokesperson Claudia Pinchfield refused to comment, saying that “The SEC does not discuss pending investigations.” The DEA is investigating possible drug trafficking on the part of Lunar Spices, according to inside sources in the office of agent Nicholas Remy. Teen Prorested on Copkilling Charges Police in East Los Angeles proactively arrested a thirteen-year-old today on suspicion of tendency toward danger to law enforcement. Mr. Michael Dershowitz reportedly came to the attention of law enforcement by way of a Jukt Nanogenix gaming alert. Internal sources said that Mr. Dershowitz displayed excessive enthusiasm regarding killing police officers while playing the latest Highway of Destruction urban violence simulation. According to confidential Times-Monitor sources, Dershowitz’s actions triggered an automatic warning to Jukt Nanogenix, whose computers forwarded the information to local authorities. The American Liberties Foundation protested the arrest, arguing that “nobody supports killing law enforcement, and we recognize the need for proactive enforcement of laws, however, arresting on the basis of a video game score seems to be going overboard. The kid was just having fun in his own home.” Police spokesperson Alan Hunt disagreed with the ALF, saying that “sure, it’s all in fun until someone dies. Then whose fault is it if we didn’t step in when we knew a problem was developing? It is the responsibility of police to stop criminal behavior before it results in innocent lives lost.” Well-placed sources inside the Los Angeles Police Department expect a confession from the suspect within the next few days, and suggest that the ALF’s case will crumble once the preep’s frame of mind is proven criminal. LAPD ALF Jukt Nanogenix