Chapter 6: Two Question Marks and an Apostrophe or Picnic of the Damned

I sit at my word processor and remember my injured pride. Paragon would not grovel, would not bow to my ultimate power over him. Now, I must show him pain. I must show him the power I possess over his destiny. From this chapter on, nothing you know of Paragon will be the same. I shall make him grim and gritty. He shall beg me for sweet release.

“The Collective?? She destroyed the collective!!!” Paragon howled to the world (even though Malevo was the only one close enough to hear him).

“Yes, Mary Lu has destroyed the collective. I feel their deaths, a thousand souls screaming out in agony,” Malevo said.

Paragon looked up. “But there were only three in the collective,” he reminded the villain.

“Three souls screaming out in agony!” corrected Malevo. “But, join me. We can use the Jas Rswert to bring revenge on her. You possess my precious bauble, but only I have the knowledge to use it.”

Paragon pulled the Jas Rswert out of his pocket. “You mean this little thing. What were you going to do with it?”

“Oh, my dim-witted ally. All I have to do is point the Jas Rswert at Mary Lu, say “bubbacalo simbioliolious”, dance in a circle three times, and then wink at her and she shall be sent to the domain of the damned.

“You mean like this,” Paragon said, pointing the device at Malevo. “Bubbacalo simbioliolious.”

“Yeah just like that so far,” Malevo said.

Paragon then danced in a circle 3 times and winked at Malevo.

“Pretty good” the bad guy said as he disappeared in a puff of sulfurous smoke.

“Now, with him gone and the Jas Rswert in my possession, I can find Mary Lu and set the world right!” With that, Paragon leapt into the air to search for the Ultimate Woman.

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After a desperate search, Paragon found Mary Lu shopping on Main Street. Not being one to use the element of surprise, Paragon loudly announced his entrance.

“Mary Lu! The Ultimate Woman! I should have known…isn’t that Malevo’s arm. That’s gross.”

“Dirk Darringer. Paragon. So, you have finally come to meet your fate. Look what I have.” She held up a small rubber-looking ball.

” A super-ball. Why, I used to have one of those when I was a kid. But enough nostalgia, with the combined power of the Jas Rswert and the Ultimate Marble,” Paragon’s hand reached for his neck where the UM usually was. “…with the Ultimate Marble,” he checked his pockets. “Wait, that superball, that’s my Ultimate Marble.”

“Oh, he finally notices he’s lost one of the most powerful marbles in the world. No wonder the collective picked me to replace you. I could have hit you over the head with two question marks and an apostrophe before you would have realized that.”

Paragon was stunned. “But how could you have gotten it?”

“Sorry Dirk, I’m ‘fraid it was us,” apologized Tito as Tina paid for the Ultimate Cab. “We took the Marble to Dr. Flager, but she killed him for it.”

“But you’re dead. I killed you both,” Mary Lu cried seeing the Ultimate Twins.

“Do you really think we’d put ourselves in any real danger? Get real. What you killed were our Ultimate Life Model Decoys. With them, we get to have the ultimate fun without the ultimate danger,” Tina retorted.

“Ah, kids today,” sighed Mary Lu.

“Never mind that now kids, for I have the Jas Rswert, and I shall banish her for destroying the Collective, the one thing which I truly belonged to.”

“But aren’t you going to ask why I did it?” Mary Lu asked.

Paragon pointed the Jas Rswert at her.

“All I wanted was a family,” she continued.

“Bubbacalo”

“Yours and mine.” she pleaded.

“Simbioliolious”

“Our life and our kids.”

Paragon danced in a circle three times.

Mary Lu finished saying, “Dirk, Mary Lu, Tito and Tina” as Paragon winked at her. She vanished in a puff of sulfurous smoke.

“Dad?” said Tina.

“Dad!” said Tito.

“Dad?” whispered Paragon.

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One moment , Paragon was winking at her. The next, she’s sitting in a picnic basket with fire raging all around her.

“You’re wrong, Adolf. The Chargers should have beaten the 49’ers,” Malevo argued as he ate some chicken.

“All I haf to say is Stefe Young,” came a thick German voice. “Nero, what do you think?” Hitler asked digging into some potato salad.

“Say what you want. I don’t really follow this football. I hope that the Rangers can repeat this season,” Nero said reaching for the finger sandwiches. “Blobbo, these are delicious.”

“Thank you,” said Aaron Levitz.

“Oh, no. I’ve landed in a picnic of the damned!!!!” cried Mary Lu.

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I have done my part in this story. I have had my revenge on Paragon. Now, the next writer must continue, in a story called:

Next issue: Chapter 7: I Lost My Spleen in Sausalito by Augie De Blieck Jr.

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I’m sorry to all you purists out there. I just couldn’t let Tito and Tina stay dead. You see, since this whole thing started, I just knew that there was some deeper connection between the Ultimate Twins and Paragon. And now, I’ve had my chance to explore that connection. It’s Augie’s turn to churn out a story.

Also, to Aaron Levitz—I didn’t mean to imply anything about your salvation or damnation. Just some friendly revenge at the end for plopping me into the story.