Fit the Second: The Bellman’s Speech
- The Landing
- The Hunting of the Snark
- The Baker’s Tale
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- The Bellman himself they all praised to the skies—
- Such a carriage, such ease and such grace!
- Such solemnity, too! One could see he was wise,
- The moment one looked in his face!
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- He had bought a large map representing the sea,
- Without the least vestige of land:
- And the crew were much pleased when they found it to be
- A map they could all understand.
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- “What’s the good of Mercator’s North Poles and Equators,
- Tropics, Zones, and Meridian Lines?”
- So the Bellman would cry: and the crew would reply
- “They are merely conventional signs!
-
- “Other maps are such shapes, with their islands and capes!
- But we’ve got our brave Bellman to thank”
- (So the crew would protest) “that he’s bought us the best—
- A perfect and absolute blank!”
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- This was charming, no doubt: but they shortly found out
- That the Captain they trusted so well
- Had only one notion for crossing the ocean,
- And that was to tingle his bell.
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- He was thoughtful and grave—but the orders he gave
- Were enough to bewilder a crew.
- When he cried “Steer to starboard, but keep her head larboard!”
- What on earth was the helmsman to do?
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- Then the bowsprit got mixed with the rudder sometimes:
- A thing, as the Bellman remarked,
- That frequently happens in tropical climes,
- When a vessel is, so to speak, “snarked”.
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- But the principal failing occurred in the sailing,
- And the Bellman, perplexed and distressed,
- Said he had hoped, at least, when the wind blew due East,
- That the ship would not travel due West!
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- But the danger was past—they had landed at least,
- With their boxes, portmanteaus, and bags:
- Yet at first sight the crew were not pleased with the view,
- Which consisted of chasms and crags.
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- The Bellman perceived that their spirits were low,
- And repeated in musical tone,
- Some jokes he had kept for a season of woe—
- But the crew would do nothing but groan.
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- He served out some grog with a liberal hand,
- And bade them sit down on the beach:
- And they could not but own that their Captain looked grand,
- As he stood and delivered his speech.
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- “Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears!”
- (They were all of them fond of quotations:
- So they drank to his health, and they gave him three cheers,
- While he served out additional rations.)
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- “We have sailed many months, we have sailed many weeks,
- (Four weeks to the month you may mark),
- But never as yet (’tis your Captain who speaks)
- Have we caught the least glimpse of a Snark!
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- “We have sailed many weeks, we have sailed many days,
- (Seven days to the week I allow),
- But a Snark, on the which we might lovingly gaze,
- We have never beheld till now!
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- “Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again,
- The five unmistakable marks
- By which you may know, wheresoever you go,
- The warranted genuine Snarks.
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- “Let us take them in order. The first is the taste,
- Which is meagre and hollow, but crisp:
- Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist,
- With a flavour of Will-o-the-wisp.
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- “Its habit of getting up late you’ll agree
- That it carries too far, when I say
- That it frequently breakfasts at five-o’clock tea,
- And dines on the following day.
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- “The third is its slowness in taking a jest.
- Should you happen to venture on one,
- It will sigh like a thing that is deeply distressed:
- And it always looks grave at a pun.
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- “The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines,
- Which it constantly carries about,
- And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes—
- A sentiment open to doubt.
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- “The fifth is ambition. It next will be right
- To describe each particular batch:
- Distinguishing those that have feathers, and bite,
- From those that have whiskers, and scratch.
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- “For, although common Snarks do no manner of harm,
- Yet I feel it my duty to say,
- Some are Boojums—” The Bellman broke off in alarm,
- For the Baker had fainted away.
- The Landing
- The Hunting of the Snark
- The Baker’s Tale
